why...

tonight is one of those nights. one of those nights where i sit here and wonder why...why do i keep going back? why can't i move forward and move away from him. something in me stays in the past, holding on to a relationship i'm not meant to have. something i shouldn't have because it was bad...yet i can't seem to forget it. and i'm not sure if i want to.

i miss it. i miss the excitement of waiting to see him, the happiness when we first got together, dreaming about the future, wondering where our lives would take us...

the past few weeks, since i was sucked into the myspace craze (or sucked into 'my space', as i like to call it), i've been thinking a lot about why things happen the way they do. why some people can remain in contact with the majority of people they grew up with, developing those lifetime friendships where you have pictures of going to kindergarten together or dressing up for a school play; and then others travel through their lives making friends and leaving them as they move on.

i have re-connected with people who knew me in elementary school when i was a weird new student who had just moved from some crazy place they had never heard of, i found people who went through middle school and high school with me, we claimed to be best friends forever...and then came college. i look back and hate that our friendship couldn't withstand a little distance...and it wasn't even that much! we went home on every break, could take weekend trips if we wanted, but we didn't. we didn't feel the other was worth the effort...

what is it about being apart that makes some of us slowly work a person out of our life? after i graduated and moved down here i noticed things changing between us...i was developing this new life that he wasn't involved in, at least not on a consistent basis. he was still at school, moving forward with the friendships we had there. and then when he graduated and moved to a different place...it's almost as if we were destined to fail. not only was my 'separate life' continuing to grow, but he was starting one of his own. these lives demanded so much of our time and attention that we had little to no energy to work on staying connected...well, maybe he didn't.

after he moved, i put my life on hold and tried my hardest to pry my way into his...it almost worked. i was almost in...wonder what i did wrong. did i get too cocky and loosen my grip? who knows...it's all for the best, right?

growing through His love...

a celebration of life

Happy Birthday, Christina.

layout

yesterday I decided it was time to search for a new layout. it took forever!!! I found this one but it had a crazy outerspace picture that I couldn't deal with...so I changed it (which makes me super proud of myself!!!) curious about everyone's thoughts...

as for the funk...I'm not really in a typing mood so I will update everyone later, just know that I am doing better.

growing through His love

Service

I'm sitting at our front desk right now, giving the receptionist a break for lunch. I had an encounter with a woman a few minutes ago and was going to vent about our clients and their lack of appreciation for all that our agency does for them...but I've changed my mind. If I'm ever going to be released from this funk I am in, I'm going to have to choose my moods and how I deal with situations. Step one is realizing you have a problem...step two is figuring out what it is.

Well, it's now 13 hours after I began writing this entry and I'm up at CWJ with Sarah...surprise, surprise. After re-reading the beginning paragraph, I was amazed at where today went and how things can change.

After finishing a quick afternoon at work, Sarah and I drove home by way of Archdale and, after crazy slow traffic, found ourselves at Value Village (one of our favorite thrift stores)...coincidence or divine intervention? We spent a couple of hours combing the racks and shelves and both left with some great finds...Sarah now has an overload of crafts waiting to be done.

Our plans went from don't really need to hurry but we want to see Ainsley and Julie so let's not take too long, to why can't we get moving, how did it get to be 10pm and we're still packing? So we grabbed Harvey and hit the rode...what a drive. Harvey cracks me up. As annoying as he is, I love him and he is precious. At one point he was finally getting comfy in the back seat when I had to put the breaks on kinda quick...and he tumbled onto the floor. Sarah and I found this hilarious, especially when he would only put his back end and hind legs on the seat and the rest of him on the floor for fear of being thrown off again. We laughed for a good 10 minutes.

During the drive, Sarah was able to talk with Jeff and I was able to do some thinking...which is good and bad. Sometimes I wonder if I think too much, which makes me think about why I think too much...which turns into a never-ending cycle of thinking...but back to thinking during the drive up to Camp.

I thought a lot about the situation with the woman this afternoon and wondering if I could have handled it in a different way. Did I come across as rude or uninterested in the problems she was going through, or did I just seem indifferent or removed from the situation? Is this something that comes with working for a social service organization? Do you eventually become immune to the emotions of the clients you serve, seeing them as some sort of inconvenience rather than someone in need. Does their bad mood or unhappiness give me permission to be curt or treat them with little or no compassion? I don't think so.

I've been told that I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I'm pretty sure I've talked about how emotionally open I am...but does this put me at a disadvantage when trying to 'do the most good'? I seem to reach one extreme or the other when interacting with our clients; I am either weeping with them over their heartbreaking story about being raped and raising three children on your own, or I am frustrated and irritable with those who are grumpy or impatient. What makes their situation any less heartbreaking than the other persons? Just because someone went through a 'tragedy' doesn't make them any more in need than someone who didn't. I think every situation is a tragedy. When a family is unable to provide for themselves and must swallow their pride to ask someone for help...Especially strangers, strangers who get paid to "help" you. I wouldn't be in too good a mood, either. Some people working in social services are only around for a paycheck and have absolutely no compassion for anyone who comes in, 'tragedy' or not.

So I've been feeling pretty crummy about my inability to balance my feelings and show compassion to all of our clients, no matter how frustrating they are. I want to be able to 'fake it'. Though, a good friend told me I wouldn't be faking it...I would actually be acting like an adult, taking control of my feelings and being able to put them aside in order to interact with others in a way that my face isn't telling them how unhappy I am. Man, I hope this isn't something a lot of people notice about me...I hope some of my friends are oblivious to my grumpy moods or horrible facial expressions. What a habit to break.

I'm blessed, though. I have an incredible friend who is not only able to admit and discuss things about herself that she doesn't find completely desirable, but she desires to improve those things...and to help me improve mine. We've made a pact, a pact? Well, I guess some sort of arrangement that will help us see when we are acting in a counter-productive way. We will do our best to point it out in the heat of the moment, but won't if we're around others so as not to embarrass one another. If it works, it will be a level of accountability I've never experienced before. Not only will she be calling out my horrible behavior, but she will be expecting me to correct it. I'm terrified of finding out how often I do these things and what it makes her think while I'm doing them.

Ok, I think I'm starting to ramble, but at 3am I guess that's to be expected. I just want to say that I'm blessed to have people in my life who love me despite all my horrible qualities and foul moods and bad hairdays...this latest funk has been the worst. With the grace of God and the support of loved ones...this funk, too, shall pass.

growing through His love...

dirty

Why do I keep going back to the dirt in my life (as a good friend would call it). I don't think anyone is intentionally looking at me, investigating my past, but I could be wrong. It seems that every situation I am in ends up reflecting something that has occurred in my past, lately it seems to be a combination of things. Is it some twisted way of teaching me a lesson? I think so. I think it could be someone reaching up and trying to warp my thoughts to doubt the good in my heart...I wish I could say I'm strong enough to resist but I'm not sure I've reached that point yet.

Why is it that I have to pay someone to listen to the dirt of my past...I have to pay them not to judge me, not to look down on me or laugh at me or turn away from me. I am required to tell possible employers or lenders all the mistakes I have made, I actually have to give them names and phone numbers of people they can call who would be more than willing to honestly divulge my personal information.

Don't take this the wrong way, I don't have anything to hide. I'm more than willing to tell most anyone about my sins, my dirt, the mud that is stuck to my past while I desperately try to wash it away. The problem is, I think most everyone would turn from me...laugh at me, look down on me.

I interview people once a year. Once a year for a six month position that could possibly be the most important job having the most impact on our community they will ever hold. I can't say I go into this with an unbiased mind because I don't. I have previous staff these applicants are fighting against...fighting to look as good to me as they did. The thing is, I'm not looking for their past, I'm looking for their future. I'm trying to find out where they are going in life and what they want to do. What impact they want to have. Do they slide by while others do the majority of the work or do they offer to stay extra hours, even if they can't be on the clock. If someone were to apply who is a convicted felon, or has some other past that might be less than desirable, sure I would look at them different, but it would be one of two ways: either with respect for their courage to disclose this information and let me into their life; or with disappointment because I found something out through contacting their previous employers.

We should be lifting each other up and encouraging others to be honest rather than condemning each other for the mistakes we have made. It's not where we come from so much as where we are going. Whether we take ownership in what we have done and move forward with those things in our mind, constantly conscious of mistakes that could be made; or we hide our dirt, if we sweep it under the rug.

In a perfect world honesty about our sins would be rewarded with love and encouragement to do it right the next time...until that day, I concede to my weekly bill for support and encouragement that comes free of judgment.

Do not judge, and you will never be mistaken - Jean Jacques Rousseau

growing through His love...

eyes

What do people see when they look at me? Do they see the confident, mature, intelligent, optimist I am trying to be or the insecure, childish, scared person I really am. Do I let people become involved in my life so that they know me for me, or stop them at the door, preventing them from rejecting me. Rejecting me once they see how sad, lonely and discouraged I can be.

Eyes are the windows to the soul. What do my eyes show. Are they mysterious, intense and deep...or are they shallow and full of pain. Could they be a mirror reflecting the light and creating the greens and browns that speckle my eyes while hiding what's in my soul...

I want to be seen...completely. I want to be vulnerable and allow people to love me based on who I am, not the idea of who I want to be. I need to be seen for who I am so that I can become who I am meant to be...the better daughter, better sister, better friend, better employee, better supervisor and, most importantly, better follower of God.

I trust Him...trust Him to see into my soul and love me anyway. To see my deep fears and dark realities, and open His arms anyway. To see my sadness and loneliness and embrace me as His child. I trust Him to fill the holes in my soul...to complete me.

Open my eyes, Lord, and let me see Jesus.
Open my eyes, Lord, and let me be seen.

The next step is trusting others.

growing through His love...

screwed up

I think I'm going to be sick. This world is so screwed up. What makes us think we can decide who should be here and who shouldn't...what makes any one of us better than the other. What kind of God lets things like the Holocaust happen, things like what is going on in Darfur. Situations where someone thinks they can wipe out an entire group of people...after forcing them to endure hours upon hours of rape, beatings, torture, starvation and who knows what else. Hearing about this makes me physically ill, hopeless, have a sense of helplessness...

I know it's not right to question our God about this...but why. WHY!!!!???? What could the lesson for these people possibly be. What is the purpose of allowing innocent people to suffer in these horrific ways. Who is their savior? Who will come to their rescue? Are they past the point of rescue? With the memories they would have from this hellish part of their life...would it be better for them to leave this world and move on to their eternity?

During high school I toured the Holocaust museum with my Aunt and Uncle. When you begin the tour, which is self guided, you are given a booklet that is a real life story of a person who experienced this disgusting piece of history and each page corresponds with the different floors of the museum...I want to say there were 4 or 5 floors. Before we started, my Uncle grabbed my booklet from my hands and flipped through it quick...

Traveling through those floors and seeing tiny pieces of what those people went through...I don't think I'll ever be the same again. There was one floor that I will never forget, never. Shoes, this room was filled with nothing but shoes...actual shoes that hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people walked in. They were the shoes that walked these people to their torture, to their hell, to their death, to their...relief? I had nightmares for a month.

It wasn't until a couple of years later that my Uncle told me why he looked through my booklet...it seems that not everyone was as lucky as my girl, not all the stories ended in survival. How incredible that my Uncle thought enough to make sure my story had a "happy" ending...I wish he hadn't. Why should I have been spared the pain of seeing how some of these lived ended...what did I learn through this protection, nothing. It only served to reinforce my naive thinking that everything has a happy ending...ignorance is bliss.

What can I do? What can I do to help these people who spend everyday fighting for their lives, fighting to stay alive and keep their family together and safe, fight to keep strangers from raping their women and beating their men...all of this from their military and government, the people who are meant to protect us from those situations.

I'm helpless, hopeless and devastated.

growing through His love...and praying for those who are not as fortunate as me.

His beauty

"Jesus said: I am the Light of the world; he who comes with Me will not be walking in the dark but will have the light of life." John 8:12





Some incredible pictures to help us all appreciate the beauty that is Him.
I found these on a website called edenpics.com. I hope you get a minute to check it out, each picture has a verse along with it.

growing through His love...

pebbles

when I was growing up...I wanted to be Pebbles

lift each other up now

I was listening to Jewel this morning on the way to work. Well, I'm listening to her now, too. One of my favorite songs is called 'Sensitive'. Part of the song says 'please be careful with me, I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way'...so true! She goes on, 'I have this theory that if we're told we're bad then that's the only idea we'll ever have. Maybe, if we are surrounded in beauty, someday we will become what we see...we are everyday Angels, be careful with me cause i'd like to stay that way.'

We are everyday Angels and I definitely want to stay that way. I'm emotional and cry too easily. I throw myself into friendships, relationships, family, work and whatever else I might do with my heart in one hand and my feelings in the other. I may get disappointed sometimes or feel things should be different than they are...but that's part of who I am. I'm trying to take some control over my feelings so I am not constantly hurting and sad...but my ability to love passionately and openly is something I can stand up right now and say I love that about myself...I'm not sure if there would be much to follow.

I'd like to be better about telling others how I see them and why I love them. I want to surround us all in beauty. I do think we become what we see and, thank the Lord for helping me be an optimist and just plain naive, I have struggled hard to fight past my surroundings and become a better person...no one should have to work so hard. We should surround each other in love and happiness and support. Wow, sounds like some alternate universe. I know things can't be happy all the time, but most of the time it can be good...right?

No matter what we do, we should tell people we love them and what makes them special, constantly. Don't wait for the "right time"...the right time is now. There may not be a tomorrow.

'No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted' -Aesop

growing through His love