Tonight was not a good night. I'm so lonely. I'm not even sure if lonely is the right word. I'm down right sad. I don't do well on my own. For anyone who knows me...I don't do well. It's not because I don't enjoy being alone. I do. I enjoy going at my own speed, whether it's crazy motivated or lazy day...it's kinda nice not worrying about someone waiting on you or not keeping up. There's just something missing. The human factor. I'm losing it. I need his affection...especially tonight.

I've stopped taking my "happy pill"...as my mom calls it. I'm glad about that. It's been a long time since I've truly felt emotions. In the beginning I didn't enjoy feeling them...things can be kind of intense. I wonder if that's because I've been suppressing them for so long. I haven't been experiencing the ups and downs of my life. Granted, my ups and downs can be a bit extreme...but I can work through that...right?

Tonight is the first time in a long time that I've just sat and cried. Not even cried...down right sobbed. At first I felt awful. Like the weight of my life was crashing in on me. After a bit it felt good...it was like I was being...purged? I'm not sure.