mother theresa quote

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Theresa

Growing through His love...

soldier

well, I'm being given a new soldier. just my luck he is married and they don't allow single people to correspond with married people. it makes sense because I wouldn't want some girl sending my guy packages...it just sucks. I'm worried that he won't get re-assigned. well, here's hoping my new soldier is sent soon so I can start sending him stuff...man, I was just getting to the point where I had ideas on what to send him.

better

I'm better today. Not perfect, but better.

growing through His love

unanswered

I am praying for only one set of footprints, that he is carrying me through this day.

Alison Krauss-you say it best... is playing on my computer. It's one of my favorite songs, but it usually brings back unhappy memories. It brings thoughts of Ryan and our relationship...it was going to be our wedding song.

Lately I listen to this song and think of other things. I still see it being played at my wedding...but now I look at it in a different way. I think of Him when I hear these words and I know that at my wedding this song will be a small way for my husband and I to lift our hearts and share our love with Him, blending three hearts to one.

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

Why can't I hear...

Today I give up trying to understand why things happen the way they do...I succumb to His desire and will no longer fight for what I want, what I want, I want, want want want. Typing it so many times kinda takes away its meaning. It now just looks kinda funny.

What does it mean to want? Why are we able to want things and think they are so right when they aren't...or when they can't be right now. When do you get hit with that magical feeling and know that it's no longer a want, but now it's a need. I have an awful time distinguishing between want and need. I mean, I really need a sweater because it gets chilly sometimes...but I want it in every color!

What is the lesson behind something beautiful and wonderful and...right...being a want and not a need. Bringing something amazing into your life, just to take it away.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?????!!!!!!

Why can't I pull up out of this funk and put things on the right track. Why am I always so sad. Why can I reach out and touch something wonderful and still not quite reach it. Why...

Struggling...growing through His love

tuesday

I have an awful headache. It's been there all day, behind my right eye, behind my ear, the back of my head...I hate headaches.

I had dinner with some friends last night. Hadn't seen them in awhile...it was good. It's so great to know people that you're comfortable talking to. To have friends who are able to hold conversations about more than the latest gossip...it's been awhile since I've been surrounded by those people, rather than having them off to the side.

The next few months are crazy...I think I spend one weekend with nothing to do. Maybe I'll paint.

The beginning of May is our trip to Martinsville. I found out how I will be contributing to this trip...teaching. Teaching about a passage in the bible and teaching about me. Two things I don't know much about.

I'm kind of looking forward to it. I'm hoping that my desire to avoid embarrassment will push me to spend time finding a passage that speaks to me rather than is obvious, and that I will sit down and look at the events that led up to the day I was Saved...the day I accepted...the day I knelt down and was delivered to Him.

Anyway, during my research today I found this prayer that spoke to my heart...isn't it crazy how those things always seem to come when you are completely open to receive them?

While I prayed this I thought of everyone I know well, everyone who has briefly entered into my life, everyone who has hurt me and everyone I am trying to forgive. Know that you were in my heart while I prayed this and that I love you.

Dear Heavenly Father, I do appreciate You, and I want my life to glorify you. Fill me today with Your Holy Spirit so that I might bring encouraging words to others. Father, I have been down at times in my life and I am so grateful for my brothers and sisters in the Lord who came to me with faith and encouragement. They lifted me up, and today I want to lift them up. You know each of them and exactly what they are going through at this time. Bless them and encourage them and meet their needs even as You used them to meet my needs in the trying times of my life. May we all be good witnesses for You and never lose our saltiness. Lord, shine on us that we may reflect Your glory. I ask this in the precious name of Jesus. Amen.

Growing through His love...

new camera

So I broke down and bought a camera this weekend...

regrets

Lord, help me overcome my self-destructive behavior. I can't take it anymore.

Growing through His love...

Friends

Good friends are hard to find...

I am so blessed.

Fun times in South Carolina

This past weekend was Youth Councils for North & South Carolina. Sarah was participating in some of the programs, so I tagged along...and let's face it, I'm still a kid at heart!

The speaker was incredible! He is an old football star and had a heart wrenching testimony. One minute he had me in tears and then moved right in to making me laugh...it takes a passionate speaker to have that effect on a room full of teenagers.

Among other performers was a group called 13th Floor and the band Entertaining Angels. Both were also great and only added to the intensity of the weekend.

It was amazing being a witness to the spirit moving in those around me. Watching emotion overcome them to the point where they can not hold themselves up, they bow down to the relationship that is coming alive in them. Some were new believers, while others were being led out of the darkness of struggle...I was one who was led.

It's incredible the amount of emotion I felt this weekend. I found myself overcome with something...I'm not sure if it was grief, anger or maybe even love. During parts of the message I would be crying, which is nothing new, but I wasn't thinking about myself or struggles I am faced with, I was focused on my friends. Their names kept repeating in my mind...almost like someone was chanting.

I've felt for others before, my heart has known their hurt, but never with this intensity. Is this something that will continue to happen or was it that I was emotionally and spiritually open to hearing Him this weekend? I'm not really sure how to handle it or where to go with it. I'm trying to let go of the questions and trust that whatever it was, He will make it known to me in time.

Always growing through His love...and others

what would you do...

One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black & carrying guns.

One of the men proclaimed, "Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are."

The choir fled.

The deacons fled.

Most of the congregation fled.

Out of the 2,000 there only remained 20.

What would you do?

The man who had spoken took off his hood, he then looked at the preacher and said, "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites." And the two men turned and walked out.

another weekend gone

It's Sunday, again. Why is it that Monday through Friday drag on while Saturday and Sunday are gone in an instant? We should look into having a four day work week with three day weekends...I am convinced this will improve not only productivity in the workplace but also the attitude of employees. When I grow up and start my own business, that's what I'm going to do: three day work weeks and four day weekends...

Although short, this weekend was fun and productive. Anna came down and talked wedding with Sarah. The energy those two created was incredible. Ideas are turning into plans and activities are being scheduled...their excitement is contagious! Anna also got creative about the wedding shower coming up...can't say too much for fear of Sarah reading this but I can tell you it's going to be a fun filled weekend!!!

I went to church this morning. To some this may seem a silly thing to write about, but for me it's kind of a special occasion. I'm not much for organized worship...I'd rather sit around in a group discussing topics (the key word being discussing). I don't enjoy someone standing in front of an audience preaching at me...unless I'm engaged in a discussion, my ADD kicks in and I'm gone!

So, I've been going to church sporadically for the past year or so, but there's always been a person to go with or take. Either Sarah's been here and said she was going so I tagged along, or Nichole would spend the night and I'd have to take her. Today was different...today I woke up, got dressed and went all by myself. It was a good feeling...empowering...so I tackled Walmart! NEVER again.

Cell group was also an empowering experience. It was one of those nights that a discussion was bound to happen, and it was a good one. I feel as though a weight has been lifted and I can begin to move forward...leaving guilt and the past behind.

I learned that I might hear God after all, people aren't quite what they seem to be and we all have a past we're not proud of. How incredible to find that out and be able to connect with people on a deeper level, while learning more about yourself in the process.

God has an amazing way of teaching you about yourself...I hope I never lose the desire to learn and continue to grow through His love.

Hump Day!

Well, today was hump day...can't believe the week is half over. It was a beautiful day, the weather forecast says it's going to keep getting better. I wonder what happened to winter? Not that I miss it, it just feels weird that I've only worn my winter coat once.

Today was a good day. I think I'm starting to work through some of these yucky thoughts and moving forward, which is always the best direction to go. I looked back over my posts and realized that this thing is very depressing! I would have stopped reading a long time ago! Well, for those who are still interested in walking through my world...I'm going to do better!

Ok, my brother is in the army (in case anyone didn't know) and is on six month rotations between Fayetteville, NC and Iraq/Afghanistan/wherever they feel like sending him. He is a newlywed (yay!) and has a loving family to email and send packages to him. So last fall, I decided to Adopt a Soldier. My first soldier came home right after Christmas. I got one carepackage over to him and some letters. Well, I'm going to do better with John. He is going to get at least one letter a week and hopefully I will be able to send him a couple care packages (the most important thing is that I write him).

It is crazy trying to write a letter to someone you have never met, even crazier because they tell us to continue writing and don't wait for a return letter. So this poor guy is going to get letter after letter of me updating him on my life and what's going on. I sent the first one out today, it was basically my life up until starting work with the Army (that's The Salvation Army).

I have a few reasons for telling you all this...the first is WOW! my life has been pretty boring! How am I going to write a Best Selling Autobiography with what's happened so far??? That's task number one, make life more interesting. Anyone interested in joining this effort...don't hesitate to call. Second, if you have any ideas/suggestions for topics to write John about, I will use them all! Not only topics to talk about, but suggestions on things he might like to get. There are two problems trying to send a package to someone you don't know; the first is that I'm not a boy so I don't even know what most boys enjoy getting, and the second is that I've never been overseas in the military so I have no idea what luxuries they are missing. Shawn's no help. He is...well, let's just say taken care of. If you want to know it will have to be a discussion in person (can't leave a paper trail or risk our phones being tapped!)

Well, that's about it. I just need suggestions and anything will help...I'm lost!

One last thing...if everyone could keep Clif and his family in your hearts and prayers. He has a two year old boy, CJ, who is in the hospital (for like the 5th time) with a kidney problem, he is not responding to the medication and they are going to do a biopsy on his kidney. He is a precious boy and Clif is a wonderful person (so is CJ's mom). So, just keep their family close to you. Together we can find this boy some relief!

Always growing through love...sheri

Accountability

Forgiveness...what an awesome concept. Somebody does something wrong, they apologize and are forgiven.

I am trying to pull myself up out of a shameful past. Trying to make myself a better person who is deserving of grace and love, but it's hard. It's hard to ask for forgiveness when you can't bring yourself to say what you've done. Right now I'm feeling the need to tell someone, tell them everything I've done so they can look at me and say - "Hey, that wasn't a very good choice to make. You were wrong in that decision. I now know what you are capable of and am going to help you fight those desires. I'm going to hold you accountable for your actions. We will do this together."

Is this a bad decision? I'm a drowning Christian, wouldn't I be pulling this person into the water and drowning them with me?

I'm terrified of what this person will think of me when they know it all. Can there be unconditional love from anyone other than God? Even his love baffles me...why? Why would he want to love people who have hurt and disobeyed? I don't question his resources or ability to love...just his thought process behind it.

I worry that this makes my situation worse...who am I to question God. That one sentence has probably destined me for hell. But, if I see what I've done as wrong and apologize...I'm forgiven and all is well. Doesn't this make your head hurt!!!???

What do you do when you're stuck in between two places, one you know is wrong and are fighting against; the other constant struggle and love. What do you do when you're there looking back, then looking forward...seeing a place you long to be and people who inspire you to be good but the only way you feel worthy is by pulling someone into the water with you. How could I ask forgiveness for this...who would forgive me?