Accountability

Forgiveness...what an awesome concept. Somebody does something wrong, they apologize and are forgiven.

I am trying to pull myself up out of a shameful past. Trying to make myself a better person who is deserving of grace and love, but it's hard. It's hard to ask for forgiveness when you can't bring yourself to say what you've done. Right now I'm feeling the need to tell someone, tell them everything I've done so they can look at me and say - "Hey, that wasn't a very good choice to make. You were wrong in that decision. I now know what you are capable of and am going to help you fight those desires. I'm going to hold you accountable for your actions. We will do this together."

Is this a bad decision? I'm a drowning Christian, wouldn't I be pulling this person into the water and drowning them with me?

I'm terrified of what this person will think of me when they know it all. Can there be unconditional love from anyone other than God? Even his love baffles me...why? Why would he want to love people who have hurt and disobeyed? I don't question his resources or ability to love...just his thought process behind it.

I worry that this makes my situation worse...who am I to question God. That one sentence has probably destined me for hell. But, if I see what I've done as wrong and apologize...I'm forgiven and all is well. Doesn't this make your head hurt!!!???

What do you do when you're stuck in between two places, one you know is wrong and are fighting against; the other constant struggle and love. What do you do when you're there looking back, then looking forward...seeing a place you long to be and people who inspire you to be good but the only way you feel worthy is by pulling someone into the water with you. How could I ask forgiveness for this...who would forgive me?