words that encourage my soul...

Today, I will envision myself doing the things I dream of doing and being the person I long to be.
The Journey Ahead by Arlene F. Benedict

Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge.
They are chaotic, sometimes painful, sometimes contradictory,
but they come from deep within us. And we must key into
those feelings...This is how new visions begin.
-- Audre Lorde

never enough water

well, it's safe to say that you can never drink too much water. for those who work with me, ummm, sarah, you know i drink water like crazy...probably a gallon a day. apparently that's not good enough for my body. i spent most of last night in the hospital being stuck in the arm with a needle so they could pump me full of fluids. blah! i hate needles. you all would have died had you seen my pitiful reaction when the nurse was starting my line...i was two seconds and half a breath from passing out. who knew i could be such a wimp.

so, she got the line started and i spent the next hour watching dr. phil. after the show it was decided i was good to go and the nurse unhooked me, would you believe i almost passed out again??? hope i get over that some day.

i'm feeling better today. followed up with my physician and am going to have tons of tests done...hopefully booth will be back and can hold my hand. he and i will have one more thing in common. :-(

please keep me in your thoughts and pray that there's nothing seriously wrong (or really gross!). kinda nervous about the tests to come.

growing through His love...

the accident

so, my drive into work yesterday was quite interesting...

i got up relatively early for work and was very excited when i was leaving the jewett's house a bit early. as i left the neighborhood, my mood only got better because the typical line of cars was non-existant. there was no one on the road! the interstate was moving and i was psyched. looked like i was actually going to get there early, yay!!! this should have been my first clue that things were not going to end well, i am not this lucky.

i merge onto 485 and start flowing with traffic. i moved into the left lane to pass a few people who were driving crazy slow and was making pretty decent time. and no, i wasn't speeding! i was actually going about 66, which is a little unusual for me. anyway. i passed under the bridge at johnston road and the person in front of me began to break, hard and fast. well, i was doing ok. i wasn't too close and had no fear of hitting him.

the second time i hit my breaks, i happened to glance into the rearview mirror...big mistake. i saw a white car swerving to the left shoulder in an attempt to miss me. the next thing i know i was facing oncoming traffic head on. those of you who know my reactions to little things like stubbing my toe can imagine the scream that erupted as i spun around. crying, i look to my left and see three other cars off the right shoulder, one halfway up the hill of the johnston entrance to 485 ramp.

i called sarah, thankfully i had left before her and she was just leaving the house. she came to my rescue and stayed with me during the rest of the ordeal. here's what happened, according to the compilation of our four individual parts in the accident.

there are a total of four vehicles in the accident. me, girl behind me in her mercedes, guy behind her in his bmw and guy in right lane in his flatbed type utility truck. i will refer to them by their respective cars.

as i'm breaking, mercedes is breaking and decides to swerve to the shoulder to avoid me. bmw is also breaking, unsuccessfuly, and slams into the rear of mercedes which sends her into my back end. i'm sent in a spin toward the left shoulder and she is sent toward the right, as is bmw. as bmw is veering to the right, flatbed is minding his own business in the right lane. bmw forces flatbed off the road and they travel side by side into the hill.

mercedes looks like she has hit a brick wall with the amount of damage to her front end, it completely crumpled. so far, my bumper is the only thing affected, and it's not even bad. bmw is also crumpled in the front end, but the impact shattered his driver window. flatbed has limited damage, some scrapes on the side of his truck and a utility box that hung on the side is smashed in.

amazingly, no one was hurt. we all walked away from it. 911 was called and an officer came to sort out the situation, he was funny. bmw was determined to be responsible for the accident and was given a ticket.

what an incredible morning. my first accident. crazy. so lucky to have a friend like sarah who is willing to spend two boring hours on the side of 485 with me. she's pretty fantastic.

growing through His love...

disclosure

After hearing from some of my friends and re-reading a post from earlier this week, I have a heavy heart. I'm very lucky to be surrounded by such great friends who care so much. I never intended to worry any of you. I'm sorry.

I think a lot. Probably too much. Every once in a while all of those thoughts need to release themselves and I post an entry. Sometimes it's happy, sometimes it's not so happy. Sometimes it is neither happy nor sad. I never really know (unless I'm feeling some intense emotion, then I have an idea). I should probably start journaling on paper, but I don't want to. I would rather leave my paper journal to things Dan is helping me work through. Things that are just way too intense to put up here, believe it or not.

I enjoy writing freely and posting my thoughts. It allows me to throw some crazy questions or ideas out and see what everyone thinks. That's a big part of how I learn, from others and their thoughts. I also want to show people that not all of us are always happy (and I'm not trying to imply anyone, I don't think I have one friend who is always happy). I hope that someone, somewhere reads the thoughts, feelings and issues I am dealing with and can find some comfort in knowing they're not alone. I hope some of the things they read help them to work through their own issues. It may sound dumb, but one can always hope.

I feel that I should add some sort of disclosure to the beginning of my postings to remind everyone how emotional I am...something like: Warning! The following entry is a result of various factors that have been contributing to my state of mind at this very moment. None of the thoughts or ideas stated are directed at one person, nor am I thinking of any specific person while I type.

So, I hope that clears everything up (or at least most of it). One thing I take great pride in is that I'm learning to deal with a situation as it happens, with that person. I hate when people hide behind the internet or email and handle things in a passive-aggressive way. Now, I'm not perfect, but I am trying. I also work very hard to have an open and honest relationship with everyone who is close, important or basically has ever met me. Life is too short to keep people on the outside.

I'm going to leave you with that, while I head to Fayetteville to spend the weekend with my brother...only two weeks till deployment!!! Please pray for my safe arrival, this morning broke my driving confidence. I was involved in a four car accident, but don't worry! I'm ok!!! I will try and remember to post the story sometime soon, but know this: Sarah is my savior!!!

growing through His love...

I do what I do...

because they do what they do



growing through His love...

lost my way

I've lost my way. I don't think there is anything out there for me. I've fallen through the cracks and there is no hole to be pulled out of and for some reason, I don't mind. It hurts like hell, but I'm ok. I'm back to a place I know well and am familiar with. I'm tired of taking a step forward and being forced ten steps back. What possible reason could there be for that kind of life? What am I supposed to learn from constantly being hurt? Whatever the lesson is, I don't want it. I don't want to know why I keep throwing myself down for others to step all over, why I'm ok with being the fall-back person. I don't want to know what growth is to come from the pain I feel. No lesson is worth this.

I am probably the most ignorant person alive. I never learn anything. I am oblivious to the selfish nature that is the very core of most all the people in the world. Is there pleasure out of hurting someone? Does it boost a persons ego and make them feel superior?

Why am I here? Is there a purpose to my life? I used to think so but now I'm pretty sure there's not. I know everyone has a purpose and all that other stuff, but what if it's not true? What if some of us are here to be fillers and enablers. To allow the important people, the people with a purpose, to achieve that destiny.

I am one of those people. I am an enabler. I don't add much to any given situation, I'm just there. I lift others up, I put them on a pedestal so they are able to rise above all the crap of the world and bloom into something beautiful. I'm pretty sure that every time I praise, comfort, encourage or give a gift to someone, a little piece of me dies. Not so much that it is noticeable at that time, but enough so that at some point, and that point is now, I realize that there are parts of me that are dead. And I realize that there are still more parts of me that are dying.

I want to start over. Leave everything and begin again. Pretend like none of the pain is there. None of the insecurities, the inadequacies or any of the other things that make me the enabler rather than purposeful. Maybe I can fool others into seeing me as more than what I am...support. More than just someone to lean on and more than someone to take for granted. I would make them see me as someone with intelligence, with thought and ideas to be taken seriously and more importantly, someone who needs to be enabled. Someone who needs to be praised, comforted, encouraged and thought of from time to time.

After reading about love languages, I found that I don't have just one. I definitely lean towards one more than the others, but I'm a little bit of all five. I now know that I am empty. I am empty. Empty in my heart. Empty in my head. Empty in my soul. Empty.

Damn everyone who has made me feel like this. Why do people have such control over how I feel? I wish I could shut down and close my heart and feelings off to everyone but me. Leave everything on the outside and love me on the inside. Instead, I continue to enable others to feel like they are the most important person in my life, helping them down their path in any way I can while killing myself a little more each time. I am probably the most ignorant person in the world.

All I want is to love people and in turn feel loved. I feel no closer to feeling loved, really loved...not the friend love that so many say they have, but the I can't believe how lucky I am, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me, I can't stand to be away from you love. But then, do I really deserve it?

I have lost my way, lost it in such a devastatingly complete way that I don't know if I ever had it. I wanted to. Oh, I really wanted to. But how can you fall from such grace to such torment unless you never really had it?