lost my way

I've lost my way. I don't think there is anything out there for me. I've fallen through the cracks and there is no hole to be pulled out of and for some reason, I don't mind. It hurts like hell, but I'm ok. I'm back to a place I know well and am familiar with. I'm tired of taking a step forward and being forced ten steps back. What possible reason could there be for that kind of life? What am I supposed to learn from constantly being hurt? Whatever the lesson is, I don't want it. I don't want to know why I keep throwing myself down for others to step all over, why I'm ok with being the fall-back person. I don't want to know what growth is to come from the pain I feel. No lesson is worth this.

I am probably the most ignorant person alive. I never learn anything. I am oblivious to the selfish nature that is the very core of most all the people in the world. Is there pleasure out of hurting someone? Does it boost a persons ego and make them feel superior?

Why am I here? Is there a purpose to my life? I used to think so but now I'm pretty sure there's not. I know everyone has a purpose and all that other stuff, but what if it's not true? What if some of us are here to be fillers and enablers. To allow the important people, the people with a purpose, to achieve that destiny.

I am one of those people. I am an enabler. I don't add much to any given situation, I'm just there. I lift others up, I put them on a pedestal so they are able to rise above all the crap of the world and bloom into something beautiful. I'm pretty sure that every time I praise, comfort, encourage or give a gift to someone, a little piece of me dies. Not so much that it is noticeable at that time, but enough so that at some point, and that point is now, I realize that there are parts of me that are dead. And I realize that there are still more parts of me that are dying.

I want to start over. Leave everything and begin again. Pretend like none of the pain is there. None of the insecurities, the inadequacies or any of the other things that make me the enabler rather than purposeful. Maybe I can fool others into seeing me as more than what I am...support. More than just someone to lean on and more than someone to take for granted. I would make them see me as someone with intelligence, with thought and ideas to be taken seriously and more importantly, someone who needs to be enabled. Someone who needs to be praised, comforted, encouraged and thought of from time to time.

After reading about love languages, I found that I don't have just one. I definitely lean towards one more than the others, but I'm a little bit of all five. I now know that I am empty. I am empty. Empty in my heart. Empty in my head. Empty in my soul. Empty.

Damn everyone who has made me feel like this. Why do people have such control over how I feel? I wish I could shut down and close my heart and feelings off to everyone but me. Leave everything on the outside and love me on the inside. Instead, I continue to enable others to feel like they are the most important person in my life, helping them down their path in any way I can while killing myself a little more each time. I am probably the most ignorant person in the world.

All I want is to love people and in turn feel loved. I feel no closer to feeling loved, really loved...not the friend love that so many say they have, but the I can't believe how lucky I am, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me, I can't stand to be away from you love. But then, do I really deserve it?

I have lost my way, lost it in such a devastatingly complete way that I don't know if I ever had it. I wanted to. Oh, I really wanted to. But how can you fall from such grace to such torment unless you never really had it?