frustration

now that I have internet at home (yay!) I am connected to the world again. it's amazing how out of touch a person can feel without access to email. well, I'm in touch again.

I've been through a lot over the past few weeks. it finally caught up with me. on my second day of work I called in sick. I couldn't do it. there was no way my body was going to let me get out of bed. I called the main office at 9, I was supposed to have training that day, and my location at 10. both were extremely understanding. after the calls (which I had to set the alarm again because I couldn't keep myself awake) I went to sleep and didn't wake up until almost 8 that night. ryan came over and we hung out for a few hours, but I was back in bed at 11 and actually slept all night. I don't think I've been that tired in a long time. usually I just want to sleep, don't actually need to.

I guess He has ways of reminding me I'm not in high school anymore. remember when you could pull an all nighter and then stay up the next day as well? graduation was one of those times. it was on a thursday, I think, and we had graduation that afternoon, then mom and dad had a party at the house and around midnight all the graduates were to meet at the school for an all night grad party. the next day my best friend and I left for senior beach week. we hit it pretty hard that week. incredible that I can barely stand two late nights now.

so this past week has been spent trying to steal a minute on ryan's computer to check my email, attempting to unpack and getting familiar with a new job. it's been interesting. I'm pretty close to being unpacked. I now have internet, so no need to beg for time on the computer anymore. I am also getting more comfortable with my new job. I hope that means things are falling into place.

you're probably wondering why this post is called frustration...well, when you are unable to do the mind-numbing things like check your email or veg out in front of the tv, you think (or I do at least). I've been thinking about so many things. all the things that I always think about, talk about, write about.

right now I'm thinking about frustration with the cable company. ahhhhhhh! I cancelled my service the day I left town and have been expecting a credit in the mail. boy was I surprised when today I opened the envelope and it was a bill. you better believe I walked right in and called them up. wanna know how long I've been on hold...1 hour 14 minutes and 30 seconds. talk about some amazing promptness and customer service. I give them an A!!!

it's way past 24 hours since I started writing this and now I've lost the energy and desire to write about what had been bothering me. not to mention I had typed up this huge really great end to this post and then it was deleted in a second...frustrating!!!

so here it is. I'm done with the frustration. done with the worrying about the people who don't care. I wrote some really great words about the people who have hurt me. how they know who they are and they know what they've done. that if you are reading this and wondering if you have hurt me, it's not you.

I'm tired of the people who use my kindness, generosity and love of people to boost their ego. the ones who let me be there for them and when something more important comes along drop me to the side like a rag doll. I'm done with it. a lot of people see me as weak, a follower, someone who will sit back and take it all in good fun...not so much. there's a point when things have gone too far and my heart has been hurt too much. once the line has been crossed, you might as well never have been a part of my life because it's like starting from square one. but then, you know this.

whatever. I wish this were some pathetic attempt at a passive-aggressive pity party, but it's not. people are reading this and knowing that I'm talking about them because I've confronted their behavior and received nothing. not one single word. silence speaks volumes. now let me speak...while you were using me, I was using you. using you to learn about people and how shady they can be. learning to read the signs of someone who is going to be there for me while it is convenient for them. thank you. thank you for that incredibly beneficial lesson. the past few months have shown me who I can depend on and who I can count on to drop out.

right now I am compelled to say how much I love ryan, sarah, sara, paula, wayne, jeff, carl, kacy, gary, annie, jennifer, charlie, the dawe family, major and mrs. jewett, mrs. worthy, nichole, major adams, staci...thank you for who you are and what you have brought to my life, you are on my heart and in my thoughts.

growing through His love...

Walton Communities

my new job is quite a change from what I've been doing. first, it is for-profit. I will be working as a leasing agent for an apartment complex in Atlanta. I'm pretty excited. the people are amazing. it's owned by four local people and i met with one of them during the interview process and she is incredible. in all of my interviews we sat and talked for a long time. I love it when you meet people and immediately have a connection. I'm excited to begin working with this team.

ok, back to the job. it's at a complex called Walton River. it's right by the Chatahoochee and is beautiful. Walton Communities has like 8 complexes in northern Atlanta, all around the Atlanta-Marietta area. I put their site to the right under fave links, check it out!

ok, wanna hear the benefits??? I will be living at Walton River, so I get to WALK TO WORK!!! I also get a discount on rent, they have "uniforms" (black pants and sweater-sets), who cares, I don't have to buy them!!! my insurance will start in October. the hours are 10-6 (you know how I love to sleep in!). did I mention I will be WALKING TO WORK!!! that is a huge deal considering gas in Atlanta is like 10cents more than Charlotte. I've met most of the people in the office and am very excited to learn from them. I'm excited to be trying something new. these people really care about their communities and the people who live there, which is refreshing, but don't spend 8 days a week working for them, which is awesome! it will be crazy days with activities here and there, but no long hours.

what am I going to do with all my time this fall??? well, one thing is I've decided to try writing again. I've been talking with ryan a lot about how much I loved writing when I was in high school and he has been encouraging me to get back into it. I'm going to write a book. who knows if it will ever amount to anything, but I'm pretty excited to start and everyone at my new job is excited to hear more about it. I'm just excited to be some place where I'm comfortable, happy and appreciated (wow, what a loaded sentence...there are so many reasons behind that statement, take it as you will).

any thoughts on my new adventure???

oh yeah, I start Monday. woohoo for vacation! I'm spending this weekend driving back and forth from Atlanta to Charlotte. yesterday I left work and drove to Atlanta so I can sign my lease this morning at 10 and drop some stuff off. then ryan and I are heading to Charlotte, stopping by his grandparents and picking up a trailor on the way so we can load everything (and hopefully not need to rent a car) and drive back to Atlanta on Sunday to unload and drive to South Carolina to return the trailor. then back to the new apartment Sunday night to "relax" and begin unpacking before I start the new job bright and early Monday morning. wow...I really know how to treat myself well. can't complain too much, I am getting a massage at Ballantyne tomorrow morning :-)

love you all and can't wait for you to come visit me and my new home.

growing through His love...

yay!!!

I have a job!!!

everything seems to be falling into place. people are interested in renting my house, i have a job, i have a place to live...i am blessed. this time it feels right.

growing through His love...

coward

some people are probably confused and angry, maybe a bit hurt...because of me. i can finally let go of this huge burden and i don't think it's going to make me feel any better. i've spent the past three or four months avoiding amazing people who have helped me through some difficult times in my life and shared in some really great events. there's no excuse, i did it on purpose...i just wasn't ready to tell what has been going on. a little because i didn't want some people to know (and we all know how quickly news travels in our world) and a little because i'm not sure how you tell those who are among the most important that you're making some changes. and how do you tell them all at once so no one hears from anyone but me? i don't know. i decided on this...we'll see how it goes.

i am resigning from the army. before the end of the month i will be moving to atlanta. ryan and i are together and trying to figure out what went wrong.

most of you are probably not surprised by my break from the army. you know my frustrations, my disappointments and my needs. it is something that has been a long time coming and it's just been within the past few months that i've admitted it to myself and begun the process in moving on.

atlanta. why atlanta? well, i have been applying in other areas but atlanta seems to be the one where things are working out. i applied for this really great position out in seattle but never heard anything. i've also been applying in montana but most employers won't even read your resume if you're not local...frustrating! i even applied and interviewed for some positions here in town but nothing seemed to go anywhere. i enjoy atlanta. there are people i know and love that are there and i'm really excited for this change.

ryan and i are also together. we began talking before the trip to europe and things just progressed into this new relationship. we had dinner one night and decided our relationship was worth another try...weird. if you would have asked me six months ago, i probably would have said i didn't see us getting back together any time soon but here we are. it's been really great, too. we've both grown and understand what is going on in our own mind a little better. we realized that communication was lost between us and are trying so hard to talk about things before we react rather than react and pick up the pieces later...amazing concept, really.

what's amazing is that a year ago i was lonely, depressed with my life and wondering how things were going to get worse. good friends, good family and an incredible Father have helped me work through those feelings and be happy with me. i love all of you who are helping me work towards becoming the person i am meant to be. i am only moving out of town, not out of your life. i'm sorry for being distant. i thought about all of you every day, just didn't know what to say.

growing through His love...