frustration

now that I have internet at home (yay!) I am connected to the world again. it's amazing how out of touch a person can feel without access to email. well, I'm in touch again.

I've been through a lot over the past few weeks. it finally caught up with me. on my second day of work I called in sick. I couldn't do it. there was no way my body was going to let me get out of bed. I called the main office at 9, I was supposed to have training that day, and my location at 10. both were extremely understanding. after the calls (which I had to set the alarm again because I couldn't keep myself awake) I went to sleep and didn't wake up until almost 8 that night. ryan came over and we hung out for a few hours, but I was back in bed at 11 and actually slept all night. I don't think I've been that tired in a long time. usually I just want to sleep, don't actually need to.

I guess He has ways of reminding me I'm not in high school anymore. remember when you could pull an all nighter and then stay up the next day as well? graduation was one of those times. it was on a thursday, I think, and we had graduation that afternoon, then mom and dad had a party at the house and around midnight all the graduates were to meet at the school for an all night grad party. the next day my best friend and I left for senior beach week. we hit it pretty hard that week. incredible that I can barely stand two late nights now.

so this past week has been spent trying to steal a minute on ryan's computer to check my email, attempting to unpack and getting familiar with a new job. it's been interesting. I'm pretty close to being unpacked. I now have internet, so no need to beg for time on the computer anymore. I am also getting more comfortable with my new job. I hope that means things are falling into place.

you're probably wondering why this post is called frustration...well, when you are unable to do the mind-numbing things like check your email or veg out in front of the tv, you think (or I do at least). I've been thinking about so many things. all the things that I always think about, talk about, write about.

right now I'm thinking about frustration with the cable company. ahhhhhhh! I cancelled my service the day I left town and have been expecting a credit in the mail. boy was I surprised when today I opened the envelope and it was a bill. you better believe I walked right in and called them up. wanna know how long I've been on hold...1 hour 14 minutes and 30 seconds. talk about some amazing promptness and customer service. I give them an A!!!

it's way past 24 hours since I started writing this and now I've lost the energy and desire to write about what had been bothering me. not to mention I had typed up this huge really great end to this post and then it was deleted in a second...frustrating!!!

so here it is. I'm done with the frustration. done with the worrying about the people who don't care. I wrote some really great words about the people who have hurt me. how they know who they are and they know what they've done. that if you are reading this and wondering if you have hurt me, it's not you.

I'm tired of the people who use my kindness, generosity and love of people to boost their ego. the ones who let me be there for them and when something more important comes along drop me to the side like a rag doll. I'm done with it. a lot of people see me as weak, a follower, someone who will sit back and take it all in good fun...not so much. there's a point when things have gone too far and my heart has been hurt too much. once the line has been crossed, you might as well never have been a part of my life because it's like starting from square one. but then, you know this.

whatever. I wish this were some pathetic attempt at a passive-aggressive pity party, but it's not. people are reading this and knowing that I'm talking about them because I've confronted their behavior and received nothing. not one single word. silence speaks volumes. now let me speak...while you were using me, I was using you. using you to learn about people and how shady they can be. learning to read the signs of someone who is going to be there for me while it is convenient for them. thank you. thank you for that incredibly beneficial lesson. the past few months have shown me who I can depend on and who I can count on to drop out.

right now I am compelled to say how much I love ryan, sarah, sara, paula, wayne, jeff, carl, kacy, gary, annie, jennifer, charlie, the dawe family, major and mrs. jewett, mrs. worthy, nichole, major adams, staci...thank you for who you are and what you have brought to my life, you are on my heart and in my thoughts.

growing through His love...