Jesus Loves Even Me

Todays devotional was one of those that made me stop and think, why? Why does Jesus love me when I go through life thinking others are less than me. When I make no real effort to love others as I want to be loved. When I think my sin is less than theirs. I condemn others for doing things that I'm beginning to realize I do...I look at myself and am saddened by the person I am on the inside (and the outside, but that's a whole other entry). I try so hard to be loving and forgiving and fair, but I'm not. I dislike people, I don't forget when someone has harmed me and I can't get over things when reconciliation attempts have been made. Why is that. What is so special about me that I can't forgive and forget. Why do I spend my energy being frustrated and angry at things I have no control over.

A friend once emailed me a poem called "Let it go" by T.D. Jakes. I posted it right above my office phone and read it several times a day. I highlighted areas that I need to focus on...for example, "If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...LET IT GO!" How often does something need to be read before it finally sinks in and becomes part of my life and who I am. I have a great life, loving parents, great friends and a wonderful job. I own my own house, have minimal debt and don't want for anything. I have nothing to be bitter or angry about.

I worry that my soul is being engulfed by some sort of pergutory...I'm not a truly horribly person, I don't kill people or steal, but I'm not a truly good person. I don't know where I fit in. I don't enjoy partying but when I am around those who inspire me to be better, I feel beneath them. I feel that I am going to taint their perfection with my horrible past. I want so much to be a better person and learn from those around me, learn how to be more like them...but I fear I'm lost.

Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.