season's of my life

i've been doing a lot of searching lately, there are huge changes happening in my life and it has caused me to reevaluate who i am and where i'm going. not the way i have before, the soul searching, depressing, dealing with past deamons (though that will never totally be over)...more the where am i going? what is the reason behind my life? am i happy with my contribution to to my community, my friends, my family...myself? the answer is no. i'm not. i'm stuck in a rut in just about every aspect of my life and i'm about to run head first into a new part of my life.

while i've been thinking about the changes that are on the verge of shaking everything i know and everyone i care about, i noticed a pattern to my life...i have very few friends that have been around for a long time...very few things that are constant. actually, i'm not really sure i can count on one hand how many people have been in my life for more than two years. am i sad? not necessarily...that sounds bad, let me explain.

i love to lift people up, make them feel as though they are the most important person i know and that all that matters is their happiness, and to me, it's for real. i honestly love others and love doing for them. the problem is, i can only do for so long. i love quickly, intensely and completely...but it's a bit overwhelming for those in my life. i meet someone, we have an intense connection, please don't think i'm talking sexually, i mean emotionally. it goes along like this for awhile and then it's like we're both burnt out and need some space. it never comes out that one of us says this to the other, we just drift apart.

when i first realized this pattern, i was sad. extremely sad. but then i started thinking...is this my purpose? am i brought into a persons life to love them and remind them how special they are and then leave? i don't know. it sounds a bit egotistical to think of myself as being this important. i actually feel a bit stupid now that i'm actually reading my thoughts. oh well. it helps me not feel crappy that i have all of these relationships that fade away...

growing through His love...