still here

still here. still struggling. still missing.

today i struggle with uncertainty. i'm unable to allow things to be out of my control. i need to know...how things are going to go...where i will be in a year, a month, a week...tomorrow. so many exciting opportunities...terrifying.

will it ever happen? when will i be able to tell people? did i really do it? will i ever recover from it? has my life been damned? i think so.

i miss my mom. i miss my dad. i wish i had met my mom's parents. i wish my grandpa were still alive. i wish my grandma could have seen my brother get married. i am angry that she won't see me get married. i wish i could get out of debt. i wish money didn't run the world. i wish people were kinder. i wish i knew what i want to do with my life. i wish i could make more people happy. i wish i weren't so nice. i wish i didn't provoke people to do bad things. i miss my sister. i'm jealous that my brother will soon have a baby. i'm scared my brother will die over-seas. i'm terrified to be happy. i love ryan. i love my dog and cats. i love my job and the people i work with. i hate moving. i want a new beginning. i'm selfish. i'm lazy. i'm getting fat, again. i eat when i'm sad. i eat when i'm happy. i look for any excuse to eat. i hate food.

still missing. still struggling. still here.