here i am

well, it's 11pm on thursday night and i can't sleep...insomnia has found me again. good thing is i haven't had this problem in awhile, bad thing is it's been happening more and more. oh well. good time to update the blog.

so, mom helped me find a flight into greensboro. she's awesome. and lucky for me there are a lot of people who love me, despite the shit i've been lately, and will help me get from the airport to camp on saturday night. mom and dad will be in town for the wedding so i'll get some time with them before i go back to the airport on monday. if it weren't for the huge dent in the wallet, i would be very excited to be flying rather than driving 4 plus hours. either way, just glad to have a way up there.

it's been miserable not being able to drive. i definitely have a new understanding for people who can't afford a car or don't have their license and have to rely on the kindness of others...wow, how long have i been living in the south? the slap in the face, if you will, was my doctor appointment last wednesday. i debated long and hard as to wether it should be cancelled or not and finally decided the snotty nose and stuffy head were no longer tolerable. i was going to risk it and drive myself when our housekeeper (not mine personally, the housekeeper for our property), rosa, offered to drop me off and pick me up. she's amazing. i love how every place i go i meet these people who have amazing amounts of love to give. it makes me ache for my friends.

sometimes i really hate myself. i go through these periods of feeling sorry for myself because i am so lonely, but i bring it on myself. i know some amazing people who want to be a part of my life, and i want to be a part of theirs, but i push them away. i have this horrible feeling that if i let people in...they will inevitably leave. why not, most everyone has in the past. i can count on one hand the people who have stuck with me after really knowing me, or what i allow them to know of me, and i don't even keep in touch with them. i guess they've gotten to the end of my road, the point where everyone stops.

i'm still learning about myself, always finding out new things to be outraged at, embarrassed by, sad about...how do you change a lifetime of loving and leaving and learn to continue to grow. i don't have friend from my childhood, not too many from college and i'm thinning those who are around now...i hate it.

i have every intention of keeping in touch and growing friendships but then i get home late from work and want to spend the night numbing my mind with tv and the next thing i know it's three weeks after we were supposed to get together and i'd rather pretend it never happened than tell you i'm selfish and inconsiderate and lost track of time.

am i the only one?

growing through His love...