Walk With Me

101

2009-08-20T20:39:00.004-05:00

I didn't realize that my last post was number 100. I should have posted something much more profound and celebratory...oh well. I'm now settled into the apartment and missing the house terribly. The dogs bark at everything. I mean everything! A door closes on the other side of the community...they bark. The fish survived another move. There's only two, but I was worried because one of them has taken to floating upside down and I was sure he was gonna require a burial at see once we got here....keep those fingers crossed cause he's still swimming upside down!!! I think he's trying to be Nemo.

I've started journaling. Thinking about finally starting to write my book. I'm not sure. I keep throwing ideas around in my head but can't seem to commit to one. Seems like everyone is writing a book these days. Kinda don't want to do it so that I don't follow the crowd....but I've been throwing ideas around for years so I wonder if I should keep journaling until something forms on its own. One prominent idea has to do with military life. Not that I've been too immersed, yet. The reason I keep coming back to this is because there's not a whole lot out there (that I've found) for people in my situation. I got a book that ended up being nothing like what it advertised. It wasn't written well and left me extremely unsatisfied. I don't know.

I do know I miss my husband terribly. It seems to be getting worse as time goes on. I'm so lonely for his company. I thought I would be used to it by now but it seems the more I look to our future and when we will be together again, the more I miss him and beg father time to speed things up! By the time we're back together, we will have spent both our birthdays, wedding anniversary and first date anniversary apart. That kills me. In October we will have been together for 8 years. Ridiculous! It seems like I've loved him forever. I wish he was here.....I wish I was there.....

Plano PD

2009-07-31T21:17:00.003-05:00

Plano PD is quickly becoming part of our family at the office. A few weeks ago our IT Tech had his laptop stolen (then returned) and early this morning our clubhouse was broken into. Nothing was stolen, luckily, but they tried hard for the flat screen! We found out that 6 other communities were hit in our area. It doesn't sound like the same group so we are worried that there will be another attempt...the others had rent stolen.

What a day. I got nothing done...nothing on my list anyway. The good news? After almost two weeks of ridiculously late nights and little sleep....the house is almost packed and moving day is near! I saw my apartment and it is wonderful! Well, as wonderful as a teenie tiny one bedroom can be! I'm excited. Which is more than I can say for last week at this time. I was angry and sad and not looking forward to this move at all. Now, the only thing I'm not looking forward to is the dogs being cooped up in the tiny apartment and not having a yard.

Ok, now I'm super excited about moving....there's a snake in the yard. And my mom is pretty sure it's a rattle snake. AHHHHHH! guess we won't be chillin in the backyard any time soon!

Ok. Time for bed. Work tomorrow...

2009-07-21T21:38:00.003-05:00

Tonight was not a good night. I'm so lonely. I'm not even sure if lonely is the right word. I'm down right sad. I don't do well on my own. For anyone who knows me...I don't do well. It's not because I don't enjoy being alone. I do. I enjoy going at my own speed, whether it's crazy motivated or lazy day...it's kinda nice not worrying about someone waiting on you or not keeping up. There's just something missing. The human factor. I'm losing it. I need his affection...especially tonight.

I've stopped taking my "happy pill"...as my mom calls it. I'm glad about that. It's been a long time since I've truly felt emotions. In the beginning I didn't enjoy feeling them...things can be kind of intense. I wonder if that's because I've been suppressing them for so long. I haven't been experiencing the ups and downs of my life. Granted, my ups and downs can be a bit extreme...but I can work through that...right?

Tonight is the first time in a long time that I've just sat and cried. Not even cried...down right sobbed. At first I felt awful. Like the weight of my life was crashing in on me. After a bit it felt good...it was like I was being...purged? I'm not sure.

down memory road...

2009-07-13T20:32:00.004-05:00

well, i'm beginning to pack...again. it feels like all i do is pack and unpack. moving back into an apartment. me and three dogs. lovely. the good news...i think our house is rented. the bad news...i think our house is rented.

packing always gets me looking at the past, which then causes the packing to take forever. i get distracted soooooo easily and without someone here to keep me on point there's no telling how long it will take me this time. that being said, i just found my album from europe 2006. it was incredible. i miss so much about that trip. mostly....i miss sara.

the moulin rouge...that's a night i'll never forget. loving and missing you...

wish these were my words....

2009-07-08T19:46:00.002-05:00

Okay, I need to rant.

I was just watching the news, and I caught part of a report on Michael Jackson . As we all know, Jackson died the other day. He was an entertainer who performed for decades. He made millions, he spent millions, and he did a lot of things that make him a villain to many people. I understand that his death would affect a lot of people, and I respect those people who mourn his death, but that isn't the point of my rant.

Why is it that when ONE man dies, the whole of America loses their minds with grief. When a man dies whose only contribution to the country was to ENTERTAIN people, the Amercian people find the need to flock to a memorial in Hollywood , and even Congress sees the need to hold a "moment of silence" for his passing?

Am I missing something here? ONE man dies, and all of a sudden he's a freaking martyr because he entertained us for a few decades? What about all those SOLDIERS who have died to give us freedom? All those Soldiers who, knowing that they would be asked to fight in a war, still raised their hands and swore to defend the Constitution and the United States of America . Where is there moment of silence? Where are the people flocking to their graves or memorials and mourning over them because they made the ultimate sacrifice? Why is it when a Soldier dies, there are more people saying "good ridence," and "thank God for IEDs?" When did this country become so calloused to the sacrifice of GOOD MEN and WOMEN, that they can arbitrarily blow off their deaths, and instead, throw themselves into mourning for a "Pop Icon?"

I think that if they are going to hold a moment of silence IN CONGRESS for Michael Jackson, they need to hold a moment of silence for every service member killed in Iraq and Afghanistan . They need to PUBLICLY recognize every life that has been lost so that the American people can live their callous little lives in the luxory and freedom that WE,those that are living and those that have gone on, have provided for them. But, wait, that would take too much time, because there have been so many willing to make that sacrifice. After all, we will nevermake millions of dollars. We will never star in movies, or write hitsongs that the world will listen too. We only shed our blood, sweat and tears so that people can enjoy what they have.

Sorry if I have offended, but I needed to say it. Feel free to passthis along if you want.

Remember these five words the next time you think of someone who is serving in the military; "So that others may live..."

-- Isaac

Only two people have ever effectively given their lives for you. Jesus Christ and The American G.I. One died for your sins, the other died to give you freedom.

Love & Blessings!!!

He turns a wilderness into a pool of water and a dry ground into water springs. Psalm 107:35

words...

2009-07-02T23:06:00.002-05:00

i really want to put my thoughts down but don't really know where to start. i have so much going on that nothing seems to make any sense. i didn't used to have this problem. it's frustrating. i've never really had this problem and what makes it worse is that my 'h' key broke and is no longer with me so i have to push really hard on the spot where it used to be but sometimes it doesn't work and so i have to push it again and then it types like four 'h's.....ahhhhhhhh! and everything has an 'h' in it....of course. forget it. i'm kinda tired and should try to go to sleep. don't really know where to start anyway. i'll try again tomorrow. hugs, kisses and lots of love.

Hello again....

2009-06-25T07:01:00.003-05:00

It's been a while since I've written....which is weird because I have so much running through my head every day and I like to get it out so I can relax. I guess it has something to do with being on the computer for 15 hours a day. Which, by the way, is why I now have glasses!!!!! I will post some pictures so that you all may make fun of me and call me four eyes!

For those of you who are far away....I miss you terribly and think about you every day. For those who are close....I also think about you every day but don't necessarily miss you terribly!!!

I am going to get on tonight (I hope!) and get all these random thoughts out of my head. I think I'm going to start writing my book....been procrastinating long enough. See...random!!!!! I love you all and carry you each in my heart.

struggling to grow through His love...

November 22, 1963

2008-11-23T00:48:00.003-06:00

Ryan and I took a trip into downtown Dallas this afternoon, I guess it is technically yesterday afternoon right now but I haven't gone to sleep yet so it doesn't count to me. We went for a couple of reasons, one being that we have not yet walked around downtown Dallas and the other because it was the 45th anniversary of JFK being assassinated and we wanted to honor his memory.

They have a museum, 6th floor museum, that was overrun with visitors so we will visit that another time, and a gift shop (of course) where we purchased a coin to add to Ryan's collection. There were protesters and activists, tourists and solicitors all joined together at the short strip that serves as his memorial.

I wasn't alive when JFK was murdered. My parents hadn't graduated high school. I'm not a democrat. I don't necessarily support anything President Kennedy supported or am against anything he advocated for. I wanted to honor a man, a human being, who was gunned down in the middle of a street, his head split in two in his wife's lap. As an American, it hurts me and I wanted to show that I respect his memory.

Those who know me can imagine the emotions that ran through me as we walked the couple of blocks to the street. I was curious to learn more about what happened (I didn't even know Dallas was where it happened.....I need to study up on my history, pathetic!), I was sad that things like this happen. When we finally arrived, I was horrified.

I am not so ignorant and idealistic not to realize that this is essentially a tourist attraction, Ryan took some pictures of the plaques and the building where "the shots were fired". What completely appalled me were the people who jumped into the road, in between traffic lights and cars coming, and stood on the two "x's" that marked where he was shot and made gang signs while people took their picture. What a show of disrespect. There is nothing cool about standing, where a man lay dying in his wife's arms, and taking a picture that shows you making the "west side" symbol with your fingers.

I haven't posted in awhile. I haven't posted anything of emotional substance in awhile, I should say. I'm drained. I'm embarrassed and disappointed. Respect. It's that simple. We're all human, all in it together. I know it's idealistic but so what. That's me.

wishing we would all grow through His love....

And they vote....

2008-10-15T11:49:00.000-05:00

http://webmail.aol.com/39155/aol/en-us/Mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.23163384&folder=Inbox&partId=4&saveAs=SalInHarlem.mp3

The McCain Palin Tradition - Hank Williams Jr.

2008-10-14T21:53:00.000-05:00

Enjoy

http://www.buzzfeed.com/akdobbins/hank-williams-jrs-mccain-song-zq

update

2008-09-24T21:25:00.002-05:00

It's been so long since I've sat down and written. Things have been so busy that I haven't really had time to put the tihngs running around in my head down on paper...not that this is really paper, but it's the 2008 equivalent...right? Regardless, I wanted to get some thoughts out and give a bit of an update to those who might actually still care what's going on in our life.

Ryan and I are now in the Dallas area. I was promoted to Assistant Manager on a property in Plano. We moved here in March and lived on property for a few months while we got familiar with the area and did a little house hunting. At the end of May we found a home north of Dallas in the cutest little community, one of those master planned communities with rear entrance garages and pastel colors on the houses...it's adorable. After much negotiation (who knew Ryan was such a hard ass!) and about a month and a half of qualifying and verifying, we moved in at the beginning of August. We are now the proud owners of a three bed, two bath, 1,800 square foot garden style home in Providence Village, Texas.

Ryan was able to transfer with his company and now works out of their office in Richardson. He's also going back to school and is taking some courses in Engineering to see if it's something he might enjoy. I'm amazed and proud of the way he has thrown himself into his studies. He is constructing a toothpick bridge for one course and I am so excited to see how it turns out. He's such a smart little cookie. He never ceases to surprise me.

The doggies are doing well. The cats have been relocated to Tacoma and the grandparents are so in love with them. It was initially a temporary trip, but then my dad (of all people!!!) fell in love and thought it might be better to keep them up north. In the beginning we thought we were beginning to slim down on the animal front...little did we know we would soon be inheriting a third dog!!! I'm not sure how many people have met Piper. He was my parents Christmas gift from my sister a few years ago (a Jack Russell Terrier), was introduced to my brother's lab and then relocated to Fayetteville to live with my brother for fear of separating the buddies. Now, with a new baby and another lab, my brother and his wife think Piper is too grumpy of an old man and he will be flying to Texas in a couple of weeks after a weekend trip to D.C. Phew! What a trading post of animals!!!!!

Well, my husband is begging for the computer so I'm going to run. More updates and hopefully some pictures soon.

Lots of love from the Comes (pronounced Combs) family here in Texas!!!

Crabby Old Man

2008-07-22T20:44:00.002-05:00

What do you see nurses? What do you see?
What are you thinking.....when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit........with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice....."I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do.
And forever is losing........... A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not...........lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding. The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am.......... As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, ..... as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten.......with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .........who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen.. with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now.........a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty..... my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows...... that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now. I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide. And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty......... My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ...... With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me.......to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more,....... Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children ...... My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me........ My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ...........I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own.
And I think of the years...... And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age.....look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles..........grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass..... A young guy still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells
I remember the joys........... I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living ..........life over again.

I think of the years ...all too few......gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact........that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .........open and see.
Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.....we will all, one day, be there, too!

To the powerful women in my life

2008-07-19T10:16:00.001-05:00

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning,
Satan shudders and says...'Oh crap...she's awake!!'

If I Die Before You Wake

2008-06-08T21:37:00.000-05:00

If I Die Before You Wake - Powered by FlashPoint

an astounding story

2008-05-24T12:54:00.002-05:00

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I Had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to mess yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh my God!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

the storm

2008-04-10T22:39:00.007-05:00

well, it seems as though we have moved into tornado alley (as my dad has said). last night we experienced, well...slept through, quite a storm.

around 3:30 this morning, ryan and i woke up to an odd noise coming from our balcony. we heard the wind blowing super hard and the rain coming down but couldn't figure out what this weird scraping noise was coming from. i crawled out of bed and yanked the blinds up to find our styrofoam cooler doing circles. i looked further and saw the rain and lightning...oh what a sight! it was an eery color, super dark yet bright. i knew the storm was directly above us because the thunder and lightning were almost simultaneous. ryan yelled at me to get away from the window so i closed the blinds and jumped back into bed. the next thing i know our power is out. crap! there goes the fan and alarm clock. oh well, we fall back asleep.

a few hours later, a little too late (it was not a good hair day for me!), i was out the door for work. there are leaves all over my front door...weird, i think to myself as i walk down the stairs. i cross the parking lot and head to the car (yes, when i am late i drive to work...it is only a form of laziness, not actual laziness).

as i get to the car i begin to notice that things are not quite ok. i notice there is a tree split in half across the lot...

and not everyone was going to get to work....

i don't think everyone was able to sleep through the storm...(the windows on the third floor)

thankfully, no one was seriously hurt. we are truly blessed...

i can't stand the rain

2008-03-18T19:35:00.002-05:00

well, it's the end of day four in dallas and the rain has been coming down steady all day. apparently there is a giant storm that has been on top of us all day and is not going to let up until tomorrow. lovely. other than that the transition has been wonderful. my new office is wonderful. everyone is super friendly and like what they do. they are happy that i'm a part of the team and so willing to help me understand how they do things. i haven't had much time to explore the city, i have a three day weekend this weekend and plan to make good use of it and get familiar with our new city. the only problem is i'm surrounded by pregnant women...i feel the fever coming on strong!!! i'm holding strong and not drinking the water...pray for me!!!!!!!!!

true story

2008-03-02T17:37:00.003-06:00

Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: "Hello 'dis Walmarts, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week."

Walmart Employee: "Whatchu want on da cake?"

Customer: "Best Wishes Suzanne." And underneath that "We will miss you".

God's busy

2008-02-06T23:17:00.000-06:00

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is> > the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

Amen!

'twas the night before Christmas

2007-12-04T22:13:00.000-06:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,
in a one-bedroom house made of plaster and stone.

I had come down the chimney with presents to give,
and to see just who in this home did live.

I looked all about, a strange sight I did see,
no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.

No stocking by mantle, just boots filled with sand,
on the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.

With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
a sober thought came through my mind.

For this house was different, it was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a Marine, once I could see clearly.

The Marine lay sleeping, silent, alone,
curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.

The face was so gentle, the room so unclean,
not how I pictured a United States Marine.

Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?

I realized the families that I saw this night,
owed their lives to these Marines, willing to fight.

Soon 'round the world, the children would play,
and grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.

They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
because of the Marines, like the one lying here.

I couldn't help wonder how many lay lone,
on a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.

The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.

The Marine awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry, this life is my choice;

I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more,
my life is my God, my country, my Corps."

The Marine rolled over and drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.

I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
and we both shivered in the night's cold chill.

I didn't want to leave on that cold, dark night,
this guardian of honor so willing to fight.

Then the Marine rolled over, with a voice soft and pure,
whispered, "Carry on Santa, it's Christmas Day, all is secure."

One look at my watch, and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night."

Hope Rides Alone - by Eddie Jeffers

2007-12-01T19:47:00.001-06:00

I stare out into the darkness from my post, and I watch the city burn to the ground. I smell the familiar smells, I walk through the familiar rubble, and I look at the frightened faces that watch me pass down the streets of their neighborhoods. My nerves hardly rest; my hands are steady on a device that has been given to me from my government for the purpose of taking the lives of others.

I sweat, and I am tired. My back aches from the loads I carry. Young American boys look to me to direct them in a manner that will someday allow them to see their families again...and yet, I too, am just a boy....my age not but a few years more than that of the ones I lead. I am stressed, I am scared, and I am paranoid...because death is everywhere. It waits for me, it calls to me from around street corners and windows, and it is always there.

There are the demons that follow me, and tempt me into thoughts and actions that are not my own...but that are necessary for survival. I've made compromises with my humanity. And I am not alone in this. Miles from me are my brethren in this world, who walk in the same streets...who feel the same things, whether they admit to it or not.

And to think, I volunteered for this...

And I am ignorant to the rest of the world...or so I thought.

But even thousands of miles away, in Ramadi , Iraq , the cries and screams and complaints of the ungrateful reach me. In a year, I will be thrust back into society from a life and mentality that doesn't fit your average man. And then, I will be alone. And then, I will walk down the streets of America , and see the yellow ribbon stickers on the cars of the same people who compare our President to Hitler.
I will watch the television and watch the Cindy Sheehans, and the Al Frankens, and the rest of the ignorant sheep of America spout off their mouths about a subject they know nothing about. It is their right, however, and it is a right that is defended by hundreds of thousands of boys and girls scattered across the world, far from home. I use the word boys and girls, because that's what they are. In the Army, the average age of the infantryman is nineteen years old. The average rank of soldiers killed in action is Private First Class.

People like Cindy Sheehan are ignorant. Not just to this war, but to the results of their idiotic ramblings, or at least I hope they are. They don't realize its effects on this war. In this war, there are no Geneva Conventions, no cease fires. Medics and Chaplains are not spared from the enemy's brutality because it's against the rules. I can only imagine the horrors a military Chaplain would experience at the hands of the enemy. The enemy slinks in the shadows and fights a coward's war against us. It is effective though, as many men and women have died since the start of this war. And the memory of their service to America is tainted by the inconsiderate remarks on our nation's news outlets. And every day, the enemy changes...only now, the enemy is becoming something new. The enemy is transitioning from the Muslim extremists to Americans. The enemy is becoming the very people whom we defend with our lives. And they do not realize it.

But in denouncing our actions, denouncing our leaders, denouncing the war we live and fight, they are isolating the military from society...and they are becoming our enemy.

Democrats and peace activists like to toss the word 'quagmire' around and compare this war to Vietnam . In a way they are right, this war is becoming like Vietnam . Not the actual war, but in the isolation of country and military. America is not a nation at war; they are a nation with its military at war. Like it or not, we are here, some of us for our second, or third times; some even for their fourth and so on. Americans are so concerned now with politics, that it is interfering with our war.

Terrorists cut the heads off of American citizens on the Internet...and there is no outrage, but an American soldier kills an Iraqi in the midst of battle, and there are investigations, and sometimes soldiers are even jailed...for doing their job.
It is absolutely sickening to me to think our country has come to this. Why are we so obsessed with the bad news? Why will people stop at nothing to be against this war, no matter how much evidence of the good we've done is thrown in their face? When is the last time CNN or MSNBC or CBS reported the opening of schools and hospitals in Iraq ? Or the leaders of terror cells being detained or killed? It's all happening, but people will not let up their hatred of Bush. They will ignore the good news, because it just might show people that Bush was right.

America has lost its will to fight. It has lost its will to defend what is right and just in the world. The crazy thing of it all is that the American people have not even been asked to sacrifice a single thing. It's not like World War Two, where people rationed food, and turned in cars to be made into metal for tanks. The American people have not been asked to sacrifice anything. Unless you are in the military or the family member of a service member, its life as usual...the war doesn't affect you.

But it affects us. And when it is over, and the troops come home, and they try to piece together what's left of them after their service...where will the detractors be then? Where will the Cindy Sheehans be to comfort and talk to soldiers and help them sort out the last couple years of their lives, most of which have been spent dodging death and wading through the deaths of their friends? They will be where they always are, somewhere far away, where the horrors of the world can't touch them. Somewhere where they can complain about things they will never experience in their lifetime; things that the young men and women of America have willingly taken upon their shoulders.

We are the hope of the Iraqi people. They want what everyone else wants in life: safety, security, somewhere to call home. They want a country that is safe to raise their children in. Not a place where their children will be abducted, raped, and murdered if they do not comply with the terrorists demands. They want to live on, rebuild and prosper. And America has given them the opportunity, but only if we stay true to the cause, and see it to its end. But the country must unite in this endeavor...we cannot place the burden on our military alone. We must all stand up and fight, whether in uniform or not. And supporting us is more than sticking yellow ribbon stickers on your cars. It's supporting our President, our troops and our cause.

Right now, the burden is all on the American soldiers. Right now, hope rides alone. But it can change, it must change. Because there is only failure and darkness ahead for us as a country, as a people, if it doesn't.

Let's stop all the political nonsense, let's stop all the bickering, let's stop all the bad news, and let's stand and fight!

Eddie's father, David Jeffers, writes:
I'm not sure how many letters or articles you've ever read from the genre of 'News from the Front,' but this is one of the best I've ever read, including all of America's wars. As I was reading this, I forgot that it was my son who had written it. My emotions range from great pride to great sorrow, knowing that my little boy (22 years old) has become this man.

He is my hero. Thank all of you for your prayers for him; he needs them now more than ever. God bless.

Though Eddie is no longer with us, you can help to let his voice be heard.

2007-11-18T11:33:00.000-06:00

Not all the brave leave the 'home of the brave' to enter battle; some are required to be the brave of the home .

These guys deserve our love, our hugs and most powerfully, our prayers.

'Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands. Protect them as they protect us. Bless them and their families for the selfless acts they perform for us in our time of need. Amen.'

There are thousands of men and women who are overseas and don't receive support from anyone back home. You don't have to support the war in order to share some love.

"Stand up America because our Troops need you! They need to know YOU will not forget them. AdoptAPlatoon has a Service Member you can call your own ... A Service Member to whom you can send uplifting words of praise in cards and letters and a brave American Service Member you can call your hero. Please sign up today by clicking on the "Application" tab in the top menu of our website – http://www.adoptaplatoon.org/. For Troop mail safety all applications go through an approval process. Please sign up today and be among those who can truly say they STAND BEHIND AN AMERICAN HERO!" - a note from the people behind AdoptAPlatoon

amen!

2007-11-17T10:25:00.001-06:00

Dear Lord:
Thank you for bringing me to Timmy's house and not to Michael Vic's

Veterans Day - November 11

2007-11-11T14:46:00.000-06:00

Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a jagged scar, a certain look in the eye. Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pin holding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg - or perhaps another sort of inner steel: the soul's ally forged in the refinery of adversity. Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem. You can't tell a vet just by looking.

What is a vet? He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn't run out of fuel. He is the bar-room loud mouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel. She - or he - is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in DaNang. He is the POW who went away one person and came back another - or didn't come back AT ALL. He is the Quantico drill instructor that has never seen combat - but has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into Marines, and teaching them to watch each other's backs. He is the parade - riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with a prosthetic hand. He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by. He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean's sunless deep. He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket - palsied now and aggravatingly slow - who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come. He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being, a person who offered some of his life's most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs. He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothing more than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nation ever known.

So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say Thank You. That's all most people need, and in most cases it will mean more than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded. Two little words that mean a lot, "THANK YOU".

Remember November 11th is Veterans Day

"It is the soldier, not the reporter, Who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the soldier, not the poet, Who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, Who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
It is the soldier, Who salutes the flag, Who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, Who allows the protester to burn the flag." -- Father Denis Edward O'Brien,USMC

Thank you Grandpa, RIP, Dad and Shawn.

the most beautiful rainbow

2007-10-16T23:40:00.000-05:00

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Live simply. Love generously.
Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.

a spartan king once said

2007-09-27T11:03:00.001-05:00

"the nation that makes a great distinction between its scholars and its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards and its fighting done by fools."

veteran

2007-09-25T09:36:00.000-05:00

whether active duty, retired, national guard, or reserve - is someone who, at one point in his or her life, wrote a blank check made payable to The 'United States of America', for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'
That is Honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand it.

- Author Unknown

august in austin

2007-08-04T16:49:00.000-05:00

i'm still here, in case anyone was wondering. sweating it up in austin. have i ever mentioned how much i hate extreme weather? mostly the heat/humidity. i would so much rather be cold than hot and apparently texas doesn't see so much cold. at least it's stopped raining. that's something to be thankful for.

work is interesting. i'm learning a lot. there looks like i have the opportunity to grow a lot with this company, which is good, along with the possibility of moving to other areas, which is better. i'm not sure how much i'm able to say until it's official so it will have to stay a surprise until then...but i could be going somewhere beautiful and new and i so want it to happen.

married life is wonderful. changing all of my information sucks. i've done my social security card and some of my bills. i'm putting off my license for a few reasons...one: i paid for an extended license period for this last one in georgia and two: i love the picture! vain? oh well. i can't help it that i was twenty pounds lighter then and liked it.

speaking of weight...i've gained some. if you couldn't tell from some of the wedding pictures then i will go ahead and let you know that it's true. i've gained everything back that i lost before leaving charlotte...and then some. well, today i hit a wall and am ready to take back my figure. "what was it???" you might ask...another person asked me if i was pregnant. which i'm not. when did it stop being taboo to ask someone if they were pregnant? apparently when i gained the weight. that's 4 people since i've moved to austin. i'm over it.

and while we're on the subject, don't be looking for baby news any time soon. i need to get my life straight and potty train my dogs before attempting to raise a child. although part of me wishes i were pregnant so i could stop worrying about the weight thing. i was talking with a friend (who is very pregnant) and told her i am preparing my body for pregnancy because i know our baby is going to like to eat and i'm not sure i will be able to keep up with the hunger. is that not normal?

tonight i eat the roast i've slaved over the slow-cooker all day to make, tomorrow i fast! well, maybe not fast but at least start working out again.

well...that's all i know how to put into words right now. i hope you all are well and miss you terribly.

love...spread it.

7 days

2007-06-02T21:40:00.000-05:00

a lot of stuff is going through my head right now. i'm not sure where to start so i guess i'll just write and see what comes out. i'm not going to go back and edit and this worries me for a couple of reasons. 1: once something is down on paper and out for others to see it, it can't be taken back. 2: i don't know what is going to come out. 3: i'm a little sad right now. 4: this will probably be one giant paragraph which makes for difficult reading. well, let's cross our fingers and see where this goes. one week from this very moment i will no longer be sheri gregory. this is a bit uncomfortable because i have been sheri gregory for over 25 years. who will sheri comes (pronounced combs) be? will she be a good wife? a good daughter? a good daughter in law? will she be a good mother? will she love herself more than sheri gregory has? i worry about marriage. not so much about getting married, more so about making sure neither one of us gives up. i love him so much and know he loves me. he's my best friend and my greatest supporter. will we be able to have children? will we survive having a child? will a child bring us closer or tear us apart...there are so many who get torn apart. i'm sad i won't share our day with many of my friends. i'm thrilled for those who will be there, but devastated for those who won't. i know...wait, hope...it's nothing personal. that it's not because my marriage is not supported, but one can't help but wonder. next to your birthday, which anyone who knows me should know my thoughts on birthdays. if you don't know...birthdays are the most important thing to me. not necessarily my birthday, but everyone i know. it's the day you were born. the day god wanted you to become a part of the world. without that one, special day that you can call your own i would not have had the blessing to know you...now you know. so, besides a birthday and your deathday, the wedding is the most important. wow. three days that are important. kind of ironic because three is my favorite number. if there is a point to having a favorite number i guess. i don't know why it's three. one thing i've always said is that three represents something very important in a relationship: your love, my love and our love. without it we are nothing. it also represents the father, son and holy spirit. without them we are nothing. and now i see that it represents your birthday, deathday and wedding day. some might read this and scoff (is that even a real word?) at these three days, but here's my reasoning behind it: on my birthday i came into the world. i had this fresh new life ahead of me and was given the opportunity to make of it what god has guided me to do. i was introduced to family, friends and all things good and bad in the world. i was given the freedom to make choices that might not be right, but was always supported by my family and my lord. on my wedding day, i will again go into the world. i will go into the world with a fresh new life ahead of me where i have the opportunity to do what god wants me to with the person he wants me to do it with. i will love and honor my husband and support him through the choices he makes. i will have the chance to make choices of my own and they may not always be right, but i will make them with the support of my family, husband and the lord. on my deathday, i will again begin a new life. a life where i don't have to make any decisions. i will be in this life because of all the decisions i have made in both previous lives. it will be a beautiful place. so, that's my three. my three special days. well, most special. i know bringing a life into the world will be up there, but above all that will be my child's special day. the day they start their cycle of three. wow. i'm done talking about three. on thursday morning we will be on a flight headed to charlotte. first houston, then charlotte. once in charlotte i will begin my final three days as a single woman. but really, are we ever truly single? i don't think so. i don't have the energy to go into this thought but i will at a later date. during these past few days i have thought a lot about where i've been in the past year. one year ago today i was thinking about ryan. wondering if i would be able to forgive him for everything we had been through, knowing i couldn't not. i was preparing to head to atlanta with the drama group to perform at commissioning. i thought i had found my place in life. i thought i was beginning a career, but knew i was miserable. i knew i was miserable because i was in love with ryan and wasn't ready to admit it to myself. i was miserable at work. miserable at home and longed for a sign about what to do with my life. here i am. one year later. getting married. excited about a family. living in texas. hmmm. during the time apart from ryan i experienced many things. many bad things, many trying things, many amazing things i never want to forget. i met amazing people. people who became intense role models. i lost amazing people for reasons i will never understand. i contemplated friendships i had and now wonder where they went. i experienced great love and great loss. i opened and gave all of myself to everyone and realized i did nothing but set myself up for incredible disappointment. i became bitter. part of my heart died. i considered a law suit decided it was beyond repair and let it fall to the side. i learned to forgive and love again. well. i am done. i have no more to write so this is where i will stop. seven days from now i will begin my new life. i'm terrified and unbelievably excited. please let me grow through His love...

15 days

2007-05-24T22:36:00.000-05:00

so. it's 15 days till the wedding. more than anything i'm excited. lately it's all i think about...surprise surprise. i took my dress to get altered the other day. it was weird wearing it. i've only tried it once since buying it. yet another weird thing...i thought i'd be like that friends episode where you see them all sitting around in wedding dresses but i wasn't. i'm not.

as excited as i am, i'm a bit nervous. it's a pretty big step. i have so many what if's. i'm not unsure nervous...just a bit anxious. i'll have a new name. i will no longer be a part of my family the same way i am now. i will somehow share less with them.

something else i've been trying to get used to is not going to my parents so much. not calling them every day to talk about what's going on in my life and if i'm doing it right. i'm trying to shift that toward ryan, toward making him my rock. don't get me wrong, he is. i've just always had a special relationship with my parents, especially my mom.

15 days before my wedding i am sitting on the couch, pretty darn hairy because i'm going to wax my legs for the wedding and the girl said "the hairier the better!" so i haven't shaved in almost two weeks. ewwwwwww! anyway, i'm sitting on the couch. cuddled up to the cutest puppy ever, thinking about where i will be 15 days from now and how everything will have gone (because it is 10:30 and things will be dying down). i'm trying to anticipate what will go wrong. what will go wrong.

thought change:

we were in virginia this weekend. mom had her retirement ceremony and we were able to be there to celebrate. it was an incredible event. it's wonderful to listen to people honor a parent. it opens your eyes and you see them as a person, not as your parent. i found out things i never knew about her. she is an amazing woman and now i know that i am very much like her in so many ways...which is an incredible blessing because up till this point i have been a mirror image of my father, not something i was necessarily striving for. not that he's a horrible person or anything, there's just some health issues he's passed on to me along with some temper issues. so, good to know more about this amazing woman that is my mentor, my friend, my mother. not to mention it was awesome being in the National Reconnaissance Office building!

thought change:

i am officially and aunt. i met my five week old nephew, shawn michael gregory jr, this weekend and i am not ashamed to tell you i hogged the crap out of holding him! he is precious and beautiful and i am so excited to see what he becomes. for those of you who will be at the wedding...stand by for the most adorable outfit ever! once i get some pictures (i was too busy holding him to take any but melanie got tons!) i will post them so you can see how amazing he is and fall in love with him like i have.

so...15 days. a world of change.

growing through His love

the big c

2007-04-10T19:16:00.000-05:00

my sister is one "level" from cervical cancer. prayers. please.

the battle

2007-03-27T17:55:00.000-05:00

so, i got in a fight with a level...who do you think won?

The Registry

2007-03-18T23:01:00.000-05:00

Bed, Bath & Beyond

new beginnings

2007-02-27T09:51:00.000-06:00

well, i'm back. i no longer have internet at home, so it's not as easy for me to write or stay in touch...not that i'm that good at it anyway. i've got some news and i've thought a long time about how to tell everyone so that no one would be mad cause i didn't tell them first or things like that. i decided this would be the best/easiest way.

ryan and i are getting married. he proposed at the beginning of february and we are getting married in june. who'd have thought it would ever happen. i'm very excited. mom came down for a weekend and we found the location, my dress and a dress for steph and mel. it was the most stressful yet best weekend ever!

now i'm stressed with getting out invitations. we're getting married in gatlinburg. why? who knows. atlanta was stressing me out and was crazy expensive. i found a place that is incredible. on top of a mountain. the problem with this is that i can only have a maximum of 75 people at the wedding. here's the link: http://www.almostheavenresort.com/garden_location.shtml i wish i could invite everyone because you are all so special to me, please know that i carry you in my heart and even though we won't celebrate together on that day, i am thinking of and missing you.

more news: i'm moving to austin texas next week. i'm thrilled. ryan was offered a job and has been there for almost two weeks. he loves it. i was offered a job last week and will be working for williams realty management, which is owned by john williams..the founder of post properties. it's supposed to be an awesome property. and the commute will be awesome! please know that if you want to see austin, you have a place to stay!

well, it's getting late (even though the time says 11am...it's now 6:30) and i should head home. i feel so lost without internet access. oh well, i've been able to catch up on some reading. i finished a book in two nights...and no, it wasn't cat in the hat.

growing through His love...

hello austin

2007-02-04T00:00:00.000-06:00

still here

2007-01-23T20:37:00.000-06:00

still here. still struggling. still missing.

today i struggle with uncertainty. i'm unable to allow things to be out of my control. i need to know...how things are going to go...where i will be in a year, a month, a week...tomorrow. so many exciting opportunities...terrifying.

will it ever happen? when will i be able to tell people? did i really do it? will i ever recover from it? has my life been damned? i think so.

i miss my mom. i miss my dad. i wish i had met my mom's parents. i wish my grandpa were still alive. i wish my grandma could have seen my brother get married. i am angry that she won't see me get married. i wish i could get out of debt. i wish money didn't run the world. i wish people were kinder. i wish i knew what i want to do with my life. i wish i could make more people happy. i wish i weren't so nice. i wish i didn't provoke people to do bad things. i miss my sister. i'm jealous that my brother will soon have a baby. i'm scared my brother will die over-seas. i'm terrified to be happy. i love ryan. i love my dog and cats. i love my job and the people i work with. i hate moving. i want a new beginning. i'm selfish. i'm lazy. i'm getting fat, again. i eat when i'm sad. i eat when i'm happy. i look for any excuse to eat. i hate food.

still missing. still struggling. still here.

two minutes of your life

2006-12-05T10:07:00.000-06:00

let's say thanks

(it's a link...click it!)

3:30 am...really?

2006-12-01T02:36:00.000-06:00

well, it's very early in the morning. no, i haven't been up the entire night. i'm one of the lucky ones who goes to sleep and randomly wakes up a few hours later. i am now sitting in my spare bedroom, watching that movie where adam sandler is the devils son and reese witherspoon is his mom and an angel. i'm not a huge fan of the movie but for some reason am unable to pick up the remote and change the channel...weird. to help get over the fact that the channel will not be changed, i thought i would give an actual update of my life and why i suck at keeping in touch.

still loving it down here. it's so weird to look at the calendar and realize that at this time last year i was up at this time of night because i was having a panick attack about work. don't get me wrong, as much as i hated the stress, the final four and a half days of this season were what i lived for...and last year was the best. the satisfaction of organizing such an incredible gift for so many people...i miss the reward of interacting with those who were grateful and hearing how we had been a blessing to them. one thing that helps is my new company. they care deeply for the residents in our communities, especially single parents. next saturday we are hosting a big luncheon for single parents and their children. stories of last year illustrate the fun to be had. four cars were give away...FOUR CARS!!! and get this, they thought and planned enough ahead to realize these people might need help with maintenance and have that worked out (first year is complimentary) and are developing plans to help these parents have an account to be able to take over the responsibility. they are helping them learn how to manage their money and lives. i'm so proud to say i work for them.

so, i've been working hard. i'm actually halfway good at it, too. i love my office. there are four of us in the leasing office and five that are on the maintenance side. everyone is fantastic. it really is amazing how things can come together and work out so perfectly (or as close to perfect as it can get). terry is our accountant and has been with Walton for ever. she is our all knowing mother figure who is awesome about teaching me and really helping me understand why. robin is the manager of our community and brings the sanity and reality to our group in such a calm manner. she worked with Post properties for many years and came to Walton about a year ago. she has so much wisdom and is helping me become less passive and more assertive. chris. what is there to say about chris. he is our assistant manager/car enforcer/computer guru/eviction backup/on and on and on. he is the blessing that for some reason was very persistant in getting me hired. i guess God gives his vision to someone and holds strong. anyway...he is the one who trained me, sits next to me at work and entertains me all day. he is a much needed big brother/father figure who is my falcon ticket hook up!!! (he likes and finds free stuff more than a non profit worker!!!) i would tell you about each and every person on the staff, but it would take so long to write about them all. there is rosa, gary, jimmy, fernando and rolando. beautiful people who enrich my life so much. i will write about them later.

so, each week we have goals and target apartments to lease. last week we had a goal of six leases and actually had five. i'm very proud to say i leased four of those five apartments!!! and i only had a two day week!!! i love meeting new people and making new friends. learning about their life and what has brought them to me. everyone has something to bring to my life and i truly believe i have something to bring to theirs. for some it may only be a few minutes of conversation with someone who listens, to others it is the comfort of knowing that the next year of their life will be spent living in a community where the office cares about their problems and enjoys hearing from them.

well, i think i'm coming down from my work high. i should talk about why i can't seem to be a good friend and do much more than think about the people i love and how i want to talk to them.

there are now five of us in this apartment. me, ryan, patches, jackson and maggie. sammy is now living with my sister. all three of them were 'fixed' last week. this means we have had the good time of watching all three run around with cones on their head for the past week. hilarious!!! it also means we have to try to keep them from being all active and let them heal...yeah, right. well, everyone's still alive and in one piece. we're slowly introducing the cats to the dog and trying to get her to stop being so excited when she sees them. we're so worried she is going to think they are one of her toys and...well...i'll let your imagination take it from there.

so, aside from work and the animals, ryan and i have been getting to know each other again. a couple weeks ago we took a trip to northern georgia and went hiking. found some great cabins and are hoping to go back with some friends for a ski weekend. sunday we are going to get a tree for the apartment and decorate. i'm so excited!!! things have been going well. not perfect, which is fine with me because i'd be scared if things were perfect. but i definitely notice a change in our relationship. he's matured so much, sometimes it scares me. he's looking into grad school at georgia tech. everyone down here calls it tech but i can't. when i say tech it still means virginia tech to me. anyway. i'm really proud of him. he's stepping up and being a man and showing that he cares about me and wants to take care of me. wanna hear something really scary??? we've looked at engagement rings. ahhhhhh!!! not sure if i'm ready for that yet but i guess we'll find out if/when the time comes.

so. now that the excuses are done i guess i can get down to talking about my emotional issues and why i have trouble staying in touch. and let me preface this by telling you all that since moving to georgia i have succeeded in getting my degree in psychology so i totally know what i'm talking about. checks can be sent c/o walton river, atlanta, ga made out to sheri in the amount of $3,000...hey! nothings free!!! ;-)

well, being up late at night gives you time to analyze your actions and what i've come up with is the following:

i had a few issues when growing up. i had trouble accepting that someone might like me for me and want to be my friend for the long run. i think this is where i developed my love completely and openly for as long as it is meant to be. my parents used to joke on me because it seemed like every year in school i had a new 'best friend' that i spent all my time with.

most everyone i ever knew has moved away (or i've moved away) and it's like we've disappeared from each others life. after some time in college trying to stay in touch with friends at other schools and making the trips to visit them without the effort being returned, i began to wonder if it was me. i know i'm a difficult person to live with and understand (at least somewhat) why i hardly speak to most of my former roommates...but i couldn't understand why regular friends didn't find me important enough to make the effort. after awhile i decided i wouldn't be the one left behind wondering what i had done wrong.

this has helped a lot over the years. most everyone i know has lived up to my expectations and when my effort is gone...so is theirs. i mourn a bit but am thankful that they were in my life for a season and i was able to learn and grow from them. i hope i was able to contribute to their life in a way that if or when they think of me, they think of me fondly.

well, i don't know if this opens a window and allows any insight into the maze that is my heart and mind...i hope so. i'm starting to get tired and my thoughts are running together so i'm going to say a little prayer that this makes an ounce of sense and say good night.

4:40 am and praying for a couple hours of sleep. my throat is killing me!!!

growing through His love...and yours

life goes on

2006-11-28T10:42:00.000-06:00

i wake up and wonder where i am, where time has gone. i have this little family and am responsible for something, someone, other than me. it's not conventional, it's not convenient...still, life goes on.

i struggle every day to come to terms with where my life is going. where i've been. how that's contributed to who i am. is it who i want to be? is it who i'm meant to be? i desperately miss everything about my past while begging for the future to be here...still, life goes on.

the one constant in my life, the thing i can always count on...life goes on.

my family...now there are five of us:

maggie, 11 months old

here i am

2006-10-05T22:13:00.000-05:00

well, it's 11pm on thursday night and i can't sleep...insomnia has found me again. good thing is i haven't had this problem in awhile, bad thing is it's been happening more and more. oh well. good time to update the blog.

so, mom helped me find a flight into greensboro. she's awesome. and lucky for me there are a lot of people who love me, despite the shit i've been lately, and will help me get from the airport to camp on saturday night. mom and dad will be in town for the wedding so i'll get some time with them before i go back to the airport on monday. if it weren't for the huge dent in the wallet, i would be very excited to be flying rather than driving 4 plus hours. either way, just glad to have a way up there.

it's been miserable not being able to drive. i definitely have a new understanding for people who can't afford a car or don't have their license and have to rely on the kindness of others...wow, how long have i been living in the south? the slap in the face, if you will, was my doctor appointment last wednesday. i debated long and hard as to wether it should be cancelled or not and finally decided the snotty nose and stuffy head were no longer tolerable. i was going to risk it and drive myself when our housekeeper (not mine personally, the housekeeper for our property), rosa, offered to drop me off and pick me up. she's amazing. i love how every place i go i meet these people who have amazing amounts of love to give. it makes me ache for my friends.

sometimes i really hate myself. i go through these periods of feeling sorry for myself because i am so lonely, but i bring it on myself. i know some amazing people who want to be a part of my life, and i want to be a part of theirs, but i push them away. i have this horrible feeling that if i let people in...they will inevitably leave. why not, most everyone has in the past. i can count on one hand the people who have stuck with me after really knowing me, or what i allow them to know of me, and i don't even keep in touch with them. i guess they've gotten to the end of my road, the point where everyone stops.

i'm still learning about myself, always finding out new things to be outraged at, embarrassed by, sad about...how do you change a lifetime of loving and leaving and learn to continue to grow. i don't have friend from my childhood, not too many from college and i'm thinning those who are around now...i hate it.

i have every intention of keeping in touch and growing friendships but then i get home late from work and want to spend the night numbing my mind with tv and the next thing i know it's three weeks after we were supposed to get together and i'd rather pretend it never happened than tell you i'm selfish and inconsiderate and lost track of time.

am i the only one?

growing through His love...

how was your week?

2006-09-29T22:25:00.000-05:00

mine was...interesting. for those of you who are outlaws, much like me, and hold a North Carolina liscense, here's a bit of news I never knew.

thursday morning, ryan and I took a trip to the dmv to get our liscence's updated and register our cars. everything started off great. we didn't have to wait in a huge line, the staff was incredibly nice...I should have picked up on these signs and realized my day would not end well.

ten minutes after signing in I am called up to the counter and begin the process of getting my liscense. luckily I didn't have to take the written test...I'm not the best test-taker...only the eye check. after waiting for the approval that I'm not a felon and don't have any unpaid tickets I'm called back to the counter. and this is where it all slides down, down, down.

I am told there will be no georgia liscense for me due to a restriction from north carolina. hmmm? this is quite odd. those who know me are well aware of my anal-retentive bill paying ways and know that I would never not paying anything. so, I get the number and call the ncdmv (all the while the woman is still being nice and allowing me to cut back in line rather than wait all over again...yet another of those things that should have smacked me in the face and said: stop! go home now, while you still have your dignity!!!) after waiting through the endless push 1 for english and 3 for this and 8 for blah blah blah, I get a live person.

ok, are you ready for it?

my liscense is suspended.

woosh! the floor falls out from beneath me and I think I am going to die of embarrassment. me???!!! suspended liscense??? since the beginning of september????????!!!!!!! wow, a gift from God that I wasn't pulled over in the past month, I would have been arrested!

now, I'm sure some of you think it's because I didn't pay something or go to court, but nope. that's not why. it's because, ok, sarah, annie, booth and kaylene...this is where you may begin laughing: on the way to commissioning I got a little heavy in the foot around anderson south carolina and was pulled over. I was clocked at 84. big deal. I've done worse.

apparently north carolina didn't agree. anything above 80 automatically suspends a north carolina liscense. nice of them to tell me. so I am stranded until the middle of october. it's a blessing I can walk to work.

but, how am I going to get to CWJ next weekend?

...to be continued.

growing through His love...

have you...

2006-09-14T18:55:00.000-05:00

...missed someone so much all you think about is calling and talking to them?

...picked up the phone to call but it had been so long and there was so much to tell you didn't know where to start so you felt like there wasn't anything to say?

...felt as though you had left behind someone who is so important, so prominant in your life, in the pursuit of something you needed and wondered if you could have done it different?

...thought things were all falling into place and started feeling comfortable only to have the floor collapse beneath you?

...ever been so unhappy that by the time things are getting better, you have forgotten what happy feels like?

...loved someone so much your heart hurts when you think about being separated from them?

...wanted everyone to let go of their hurt and pain and embrace each other with a fresh beginning?

i have

growing through His love...

a day late for a day to remember

2006-09-12T12:33:00.000-05:00

oh yeah

2006-09-11T05:14:00.000-05:00

no name is now sammy

method to my madness

2006-09-10T13:55:00.000-05:00

ok. I didn't have much time to explain the kittens, things have been so busy since I got to Atlanta. I'm still trying to settle in to this new apartment, it was harder than I thought going from the townhouse to a one bedroom apartment. I am lucky because it's a decent size one bedroom, just not as much storage as I once had. I finally got a paycheck...woohoo!!! Despite the pay-cut it was about the same amount I had been pulling from the Army...we'll see how that goes once I have insurance next month. Either way things are going well.

Now, for the kittens...

My manager's husband called her on Tuesday afternoon (he works at a Post apartment complex) and told her one of the residents had called to tell him there were five kittens on his balcony and he didn't know what to do with them. She was telling me about it and I thought...hey! my sister would love to have another cat running around, how about I get one! So I told Robin (my manager) to go ahead and tell her husband I'd take one off his hands. Well, at this point he had already called one of their friends who is in the animal trapping business to come and take them to a good shelter. So I called the guy and we arranged for him to come by Wednesday morning. I called Steph and told her about the cats and she got all excited but her man told her: no more cats!!! So here I was, expecting to have a kitten dropped off the next day and no where for it to go. I talked with Robin and she was like, you should get two of them so they have someone to play with. They are much happier when they have a companion. I kept saying no and Ryan and I agreed only one, but then Richard (the friend) brought them by.

Well, you saw the pictures, you can imagine how it went. I was sitting at my desk and he basically plopped all five of them in my lap. They were crawling around and meowing and being so cute, I picked one and then fell in love with another and ended up with two. I still had hope Steph could convince Tony to add to their family, but had resigned myself to the fact that I was now the owner of not one, but two cats.

So I'm running all over getting cat litter and kitten food when Steph calls and says Tony has agreed to one more cat. Oh no!!! I didn't want to split them up and when I asked if two was much of a difference she laughed in my face (well, ear I guess) and said one was more than enough. Well, I'm feeling like a big jerk because here it is that I got the cat in the first place to give to her for her birthday but I get two instead and don't want to split them up, so I called Richard in the hopes that he would still have one and he did! He came by later in the afternoon on Wednesday and let me pick another one and here I am...three cats and Ryan begging for a puppy...we'll see.

growing through His love...

welcome to the family

2006-09-07T20:54:00.000-05:00

please say hello to

patches

jackson

and...well, we haven't decided on a name for her, guess that's why she looks so pissed

what can i say, i'm a sucker for an animal in distress. i'm also miserable, can't wait for the insurance to kick in next month so i can begin getting allergy shots!!! never thought i was a cat person...guess i'm a kitten person. either way i will be getting a puppy!!!

growing through His love...

tears

2006-09-01T22:22:00.000-05:00

frustration

2006-08-28T18:41:00.000-05:00

now that I have internet at home (yay!) I am connected to the world again. it's amazing how out of touch a person can feel without access to email. well, I'm in touch again.

I've been through a lot over the past few weeks. it finally caught up with me. on my second day of work I called in sick. I couldn't do it. there was no way my body was going to let me get out of bed. I called the main office at 9, I was supposed to have training that day, and my location at 10. both were extremely understanding. after the calls (which I had to set the alarm again because I couldn't keep myself awake) I went to sleep and didn't wake up until almost 8 that night. ryan came over and we hung out for a few hours, but I was back in bed at 11 and actually slept all night. I don't think I've been that tired in a long time. usually I just want to sleep, don't actually need to.

I guess He has ways of reminding me I'm not in high school anymore. remember when you could pull an all nighter and then stay up the next day as well? graduation was one of those times. it was on a thursday, I think, and we had graduation that afternoon, then mom and dad had a party at the house and around midnight all the graduates were to meet at the school for an all night grad party. the next day my best friend and I left for senior beach week. we hit it pretty hard that week. incredible that I can barely stand two late nights now.

so this past week has been spent trying to steal a minute on ryan's computer to check my email, attempting to unpack and getting familiar with a new job. it's been interesting. I'm pretty close to being unpacked. I now have internet, so no need to beg for time on the computer anymore. I am also getting more comfortable with my new job. I hope that means things are falling into place.

you're probably wondering why this post is called frustration...well, when you are unable to do the mind-numbing things like check your email or veg out in front of the tv, you think (or I do at least). I've been thinking about so many things. all the things that I always think about, talk about, write about.

right now I'm thinking about frustration with the cable company. ahhhhhhh! I cancelled my service the day I left town and have been expecting a credit in the mail. boy was I surprised when today I opened the envelope and it was a bill. you better believe I walked right in and called them up. wanna know how long I've been on hold...1 hour 14 minutes and 30 seconds. talk about some amazing promptness and customer service. I give them an A!!!

it's way past 24 hours since I started writing this and now I've lost the energy and desire to write about what had been bothering me. not to mention I had typed up this huge really great end to this post and then it was deleted in a second...frustrating!!!

so here it is. I'm done with the frustration. done with the worrying about the people who don't care. I wrote some really great words about the people who have hurt me. how they know who they are and they know what they've done. that if you are reading this and wondering if you have hurt me, it's not you.

I'm tired of the people who use my kindness, generosity and love of people to boost their ego. the ones who let me be there for them and when something more important comes along drop me to the side like a rag doll. I'm done with it. a lot of people see me as weak, a follower, someone who will sit back and take it all in good fun...not so much. there's a point when things have gone too far and my heart has been hurt too much. once the line has been crossed, you might as well never have been a part of my life because it's like starting from square one. but then, you know this.

whatever. I wish this were some pathetic attempt at a passive-aggressive pity party, but it's not. people are reading this and knowing that I'm talking about them because I've confronted their behavior and received nothing. not one single word. silence speaks volumes. now let me speak...while you were using me, I was using you. using you to learn about people and how shady they can be. learning to read the signs of someone who is going to be there for me while it is convenient for them. thank you. thank you for that incredibly beneficial lesson. the past few months have shown me who I can depend on and who I can count on to drop out.

right now I am compelled to say how much I love ryan, sarah, sara, paula, wayne, jeff, carl, kacy, gary, annie, jennifer, charlie, the dawe family, major and mrs. jewett, mrs. worthy, nichole, major adams, staci...thank you for who you are and what you have brought to my life, you are on my heart and in my thoughts.

growing through His love...

Walton Communities

2006-08-19T07:29:00.000-05:00

my new job is quite a change from what I've been doing. first, it is for-profit. I will be working as a leasing agent for an apartment complex in Atlanta. I'm pretty excited. the people are amazing. it's owned by four local people and i met with one of them during the interview process and she is incredible. in all of my interviews we sat and talked for a long time. I love it when you meet people and immediately have a connection. I'm excited to begin working with this team.

ok, back to the job. it's at a complex called Walton River. it's right by the Chatahoochee and is beautiful. Walton Communities has like 8 complexes in northern Atlanta, all around the Atlanta-Marietta area. I put their site to the right under fave links, check it out!

ok, wanna hear the benefits??? I will be living at Walton River, so I get to WALK TO WORK!!! I also get a discount on rent, they have "uniforms" (black pants and sweater-sets), who cares, I don't have to buy them!!! my insurance will start in October. the hours are 10-6 (you know how I love to sleep in!). did I mention I will be WALKING TO WORK!!! that is a huge deal considering gas in Atlanta is like 10cents more than Charlotte. I've met most of the people in the office and am very excited to learn from them. I'm excited to be trying something new. these people really care about their communities and the people who live there, which is refreshing, but don't spend 8 days a week working for them, which is awesome! it will be crazy days with activities here and there, but no long hours.

what am I going to do with all my time this fall??? well, one thing is I've decided to try writing again. I've been talking with ryan a lot about how much I loved writing when I was in high school and he has been encouraging me to get back into it. I'm going to write a book. who knows if it will ever amount to anything, but I'm pretty excited to start and everyone at my new job is excited to hear more about it. I'm just excited to be some place where I'm comfortable, happy and appreciated (wow, what a loaded sentence...there are so many reasons behind that statement, take it as you will).

any thoughts on my new adventure???

oh yeah, I start Monday. woohoo for vacation! I'm spending this weekend driving back and forth from Atlanta to Charlotte. yesterday I left work and drove to Atlanta so I can sign my lease this morning at 10 and drop some stuff off. then ryan and I are heading to Charlotte, stopping by his grandparents and picking up a trailor on the way so we can load everything (and hopefully not need to rent a car) and drive back to Atlanta on Sunday to unload and drive to South Carolina to return the trailor. then back to the new apartment Sunday night to "relax" and begin unpacking before I start the new job bright and early Monday morning. wow...I really know how to treat myself well. can't complain too much, I am getting a massage at Ballantyne tomorrow morning :-)

love you all and can't wait for you to come visit me and my new home.

growing through His love...

yay!!!

2006-08-10T19:50:00.000-05:00

I have a job!!!

everything seems to be falling into place. people are interested in renting my house, i have a job, i have a place to live...i am blessed. this time it feels right.

growing through His love...

coward

2006-08-06T22:20:00.000-05:00

some people are probably confused and angry, maybe a bit hurt...because of me. i can finally let go of this huge burden and i don't think it's going to make me feel any better. i've spent the past three or four months avoiding amazing people who have helped me through some difficult times in my life and shared in some really great events. there's no excuse, i did it on purpose...i just wasn't ready to tell what has been going on. a little because i didn't want some people to know (and we all know how quickly news travels in our world) and a little because i'm not sure how you tell those who are among the most important that you're making some changes. and how do you tell them all at once so no one hears from anyone but me? i don't know. i decided on this...we'll see how it goes.

i am resigning from the army. before the end of the month i will be moving to atlanta. ryan and i are together and trying to figure out what went wrong.

most of you are probably not surprised by my break from the army. you know my frustrations, my disappointments and my needs. it is something that has been a long time coming and it's just been within the past few months that i've admitted it to myself and begun the process in moving on.

atlanta. why atlanta? well, i have been applying in other areas but atlanta seems to be the one where things are working out. i applied for this really great position out in seattle but never heard anything. i've also been applying in montana but most employers won't even read your resume if you're not local...frustrating! i even applied and interviewed for some positions here in town but nothing seemed to go anywhere. i enjoy atlanta. there are people i know and love that are there and i'm really excited for this change.

ryan and i are also together. we began talking before the trip to europe and things just progressed into this new relationship. we had dinner one night and decided our relationship was worth another try...weird. if you would have asked me six months ago, i probably would have said i didn't see us getting back together any time soon but here we are. it's been really great, too. we've both grown and understand what is going on in our own mind a little better. we realized that communication was lost between us and are trying so hard to talk about things before we react rather than react and pick up the pieces later...amazing concept, really.

what's amazing is that a year ago i was lonely, depressed with my life and wondering how things were going to get worse. good friends, good family and an incredible Father have helped me work through those feelings and be happy with me. i love all of you who are helping me work towards becoming the person i am meant to be. i am only moving out of town, not out of your life. i'm sorry for being distant. i thought about all of you every day, just didn't know what to say.

growing through His love...

season's of my life

2006-07-19T21:15:00.000-05:00

i've been doing a lot of searching lately, there are huge changes happening in my life and it has caused me to reevaluate who i am and where i'm going. not the way i have before, the soul searching, depressing, dealing with past deamons (though that will never totally be over)...more the where am i going? what is the reason behind my life? am i happy with my contribution to to my community, my friends, my family...myself? the answer is no. i'm not. i'm stuck in a rut in just about every aspect of my life and i'm about to run head first into a new part of my life.

while i've been thinking about the changes that are on the verge of shaking everything i know and everyone i care about, i noticed a pattern to my life...i have very few friends that have been around for a long time...very few things that are constant. actually, i'm not really sure i can count on one hand how many people have been in my life for more than two years. am i sad? not necessarily...that sounds bad, let me explain.

i love to lift people up, make them feel as though they are the most important person i know and that all that matters is their happiness, and to me, it's for real. i honestly love others and love doing for them. the problem is, i can only do for so long. i love quickly, intensely and completely...but it's a bit overwhelming for those in my life. i meet someone, we have an intense connection, please don't think i'm talking sexually, i mean emotionally. it goes along like this for awhile and then it's like we're both burnt out and need some space. it never comes out that one of us says this to the other, we just drift apart.

when i first realized this pattern, i was sad. extremely sad. but then i started thinking...is this my purpose? am i brought into a persons life to love them and remind them how special they are and then leave? i don't know. it sounds a bit egotistical to think of myself as being this important. i actually feel a bit stupid now that i'm actually reading my thoughts. oh well. it helps me not feel crappy that i have all of these relationships that fade away...

growing through His love...

how do you know

2006-07-19T00:27:00.000-05:00

that he's the one...

Atlanta...really???

2006-07-07T23:15:00.000-05:00

who would have ever guessed it...not me! i'm in atlanta again. with ryan. wow. who would have thought the two of us could grow up and get it together. we'll see...

jill, i'm coming next weekend...you, me, elizabeth...dinner??? i'll call when i'm headed down.

growing through His love...

comfort in my decisions

2006-07-04T00:50:00.000-05:00

lives are like rivers...

eventually they go where they must...

not where we want them to

growing through His love

words that encourage my soul...

2006-06-28T21:48:00.000-05:00

Today, I will envision myself doing the things I dream of doing and being the person I long to be.
The Journey Ahead by Arlene F. Benedict

Our feelings are our most genuine paths to knowledge.
They are chaotic, sometimes painful, sometimes contradictory,
but they come from deep within us. And we must key into
those feelings...This is how new visions begin.
-- Audre Lorde

never enough water

2006-06-22T21:55:00.000-05:00

well, it's safe to say that you can never drink too much water. for those who work with me, ummm, sarah, you know i drink water like crazy...probably a gallon a day. apparently that's not good enough for my body. i spent most of last night in the hospital being stuck in the arm with a needle so they could pump me full of fluids. blah! i hate needles. you all would have died had you seen my pitiful reaction when the nurse was starting my line...i was two seconds and half a breath from passing out. who knew i could be such a wimp.

so, she got the line started and i spent the next hour watching dr. phil. after the show it was decided i was good to go and the nurse unhooked me, would you believe i almost passed out again??? hope i get over that some day.

i'm feeling better today. followed up with my physician and am going to have tons of tests done...hopefully booth will be back and can hold my hand. he and i will have one more thing in common. :-(

please keep me in your thoughts and pray that there's nothing seriously wrong (or really gross!). kinda nervous about the tests to come.

growing through His love...

the accident

2006-06-17T14:55:00.000-05:00

so, my drive into work yesterday was quite interesting...

i got up relatively early for work and was very excited when i was leaving the jewett's house a bit early. as i left the neighborhood, my mood only got better because the typical line of cars was non-existant. there was no one on the road! the interstate was moving and i was psyched. looked like i was actually going to get there early, yay!!! this should have been my first clue that things were not going to end well, i am not this lucky.

i merge onto 485 and start flowing with traffic. i moved into the left lane to pass a few people who were driving crazy slow and was making pretty decent time. and no, i wasn't speeding! i was actually going about 66, which is a little unusual for me. anyway. i passed under the bridge at johnston road and the person in front of me began to break, hard and fast. well, i was doing ok. i wasn't too close and had no fear of hitting him.

the second time i hit my breaks, i happened to glance into the rearview mirror...big mistake. i saw a white car swerving to the left shoulder in an attempt to miss me. the next thing i know i was facing oncoming traffic head on. those of you who know my reactions to little things like stubbing my toe can imagine the scream that erupted as i spun around. crying, i look to my left and see three other cars off the right shoulder, one halfway up the hill of the johnston entrance to 485 ramp.

i called sarah, thankfully i had left before her and she was just leaving the house. she came to my rescue and stayed with me during the rest of the ordeal. here's what happened, according to the compilation of our four individual parts in the accident.

there are a total of four vehicles in the accident. me, girl behind me in her mercedes, guy behind her in his bmw and guy in right lane in his flatbed type utility truck. i will refer to them by their respective cars.

as i'm breaking, mercedes is breaking and decides to swerve to the shoulder to avoid me. bmw is also breaking, unsuccessfuly, and slams into the rear of mercedes which sends her into my back end. i'm sent in a spin toward the left shoulder and she is sent toward the right, as is bmw. as bmw is veering to the right, flatbed is minding his own business in the right lane. bmw forces flatbed off the road and they travel side by side into the hill.

mercedes looks like she has hit a brick wall with the amount of damage to her front end, it completely crumpled. so far, my bumper is the only thing affected, and it's not even bad. bmw is also crumpled in the front end, but the impact shattered his driver window. flatbed has limited damage, some scrapes on the side of his truck and a utility box that hung on the side is smashed in.

amazingly, no one was hurt. we all walked away from it. 911 was called and an officer came to sort out the situation, he was funny. bmw was determined to be responsible for the accident and was given a ticket.

what an incredible morning. my first accident. crazy. so lucky to have a friend like sarah who is willing to spend two boring hours on the side of 485 with me. she's pretty fantastic.

growing through His love...

disclosure

2006-06-16T16:21:00.000-05:00

After hearing from some of my friends and re-reading a post from earlier this week, I have a heavy heart. I'm very lucky to be surrounded by such great friends who care so much. I never intended to worry any of you. I'm sorry.

I think a lot. Probably too much. Every once in a while all of those thoughts need to release themselves and I post an entry. Sometimes it's happy, sometimes it's not so happy. Sometimes it is neither happy nor sad. I never really know (unless I'm feeling some intense emotion, then I have an idea). I should probably start journaling on paper, but I don't want to. I would rather leave my paper journal to things Dan is helping me work through. Things that are just way too intense to put up here, believe it or not.

I enjoy writing freely and posting my thoughts. It allows me to throw some crazy questions or ideas out and see what everyone thinks. That's a big part of how I learn, from others and their thoughts. I also want to show people that not all of us are always happy (and I'm not trying to imply anyone, I don't think I have one friend who is always happy). I hope that someone, somewhere reads the thoughts, feelings and issues I am dealing with and can find some comfort in knowing they're not alone. I hope some of the things they read help them to work through their own issues. It may sound dumb, but one can always hope.

I feel that I should add some sort of disclosure to the beginning of my postings to remind everyone how emotional I am...something like: Warning! The following entry is a result of various factors that have been contributing to my state of mind at this very moment. None of the thoughts or ideas stated are directed at one person, nor am I thinking of any specific person while I type.

So, I hope that clears everything up (or at least most of it). One thing I take great pride in is that I'm learning to deal with a situation as it happens, with that person. I hate when people hide behind the internet or email and handle things in a passive-aggressive way. Now, I'm not perfect, but I am trying. I also work very hard to have an open and honest relationship with everyone who is close, important or basically has ever met me. Life is too short to keep people on the outside.

I'm going to leave you with that, while I head to Fayetteville to spend the weekend with my brother...only two weeks till deployment!!! Please pray for my safe arrival, this morning broke my driving confidence. I was involved in a four car accident, but don't worry! I'm ok!!! I will try and remember to post the story sometime soon, but know this: Sarah is my savior!!!

growing through His love...

I do what I do...

2006-06-14T22:21:00.000-05:00

because they do what they do

growing through His love...

lost my way

2006-06-12T22:10:00.000-05:00

I've lost my way. I don't think there is anything out there for me. I've fallen through the cracks and there is no hole to be pulled out of and for some reason, I don't mind. It hurts like hell, but I'm ok. I'm back to a place I know well and am familiar with. I'm tired of taking a step forward and being forced ten steps back. What possible reason could there be for that kind of life? What am I supposed to learn from constantly being hurt? Whatever the lesson is, I don't want it. I don't want to know why I keep throwing myself down for others to step all over, why I'm ok with being the fall-back person. I don't want to know what growth is to come from the pain I feel. No lesson is worth this.

I am probably the most ignorant person alive. I never learn anything. I am oblivious to the selfish nature that is the very core of most all the people in the world. Is there pleasure out of hurting someone? Does it boost a persons ego and make them feel superior?

Why am I here? Is there a purpose to my life? I used to think so but now I'm pretty sure there's not. I know everyone has a purpose and all that other stuff, but what if it's not true? What if some of us are here to be fillers and enablers. To allow the important people, the people with a purpose, to achieve that destiny.

I am one of those people. I am an enabler. I don't add much to any given situation, I'm just there. I lift others up, I put them on a pedestal so they are able to rise above all the crap of the world and bloom into something beautiful. I'm pretty sure that every time I praise, comfort, encourage or give a gift to someone, a little piece of me dies. Not so much that it is noticeable at that time, but enough so that at some point, and that point is now, I realize that there are parts of me that are dead. And I realize that there are still more parts of me that are dying.

I want to start over. Leave everything and begin again. Pretend like none of the pain is there. None of the insecurities, the inadequacies or any of the other things that make me the enabler rather than purposeful. Maybe I can fool others into seeing me as more than what I am...support. More than just someone to lean on and more than someone to take for granted. I would make them see me as someone with intelligence, with thought and ideas to be taken seriously and more importantly, someone who needs to be enabled. Someone who needs to be praised, comforted, encouraged and thought of from time to time.

After reading about love languages, I found that I don't have just one. I definitely lean towards one more than the others, but I'm a little bit of all five. I now know that I am empty. I am empty. Empty in my heart. Empty in my head. Empty in my soul. Empty.

Damn everyone who has made me feel like this. Why do people have such control over how I feel? I wish I could shut down and close my heart and feelings off to everyone but me. Leave everything on the outside and love me on the inside. Instead, I continue to enable others to feel like they are the most important person in my life, helping them down their path in any way I can while killing myself a little more each time. I am probably the most ignorant person in the world.

All I want is to love people and in turn feel loved. I feel no closer to feeling loved, really loved...not the friend love that so many say they have, but the I can't believe how lucky I am, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me, I can't stand to be away from you love. But then, do I really deserve it?

I have lost my way, lost it in such a devastatingly complete way that I don't know if I ever had it. I wanted to. Oh, I really wanted to. But how can you fall from such grace to such torment unless you never really had it?

support, even when you don't agree

2006-05-29T23:02:00.000-05:00

in another month my brother will be halfway around the world, again. i'm a little scared because it's starting to feel normal. the first time he was deployed, i could barely get the words out before i was broken down in tears...not so much anymore.

i'm either beginning to think he is invincible, or my emotions are being broken down and i'm not feeling as much anymore.

my mind is wandering in so many different directions, i'm not quite sure how this will all spill out, so bear with me. i started thinking about my brother and why he joined the military in the first place, what i remember saddens me. my brother was not the brain of the family, but he was far from wearing the dunce hat. he struggled through school in some areas, but really excelled in others...during his last two years of high school, he built a house with his vocational school (he signed up to attend this specialized school for half days, i think he studied construction and that type of thing). when it came time to speak with his counselor about college and where he should apply, she actually looked him in the face and said he shouldn't even attempt college because he wasn't smart enough. can you believe that???!!! thank the Lord for public education! so, discouraged, he joined the military and went to basic a month after graduation.

he has made the military his career. don't get me wrong, he loves it, but i wonder what his life might have held had he chosen a different route. now, in his 10th year of service, he is going back to school, courtesy of the military. yay!!!

this made me wonder how many other soldiers joined for that reason, joined because they felt they weren't smart enough, someone told them they couldn't do any better, or they felt that was the only way they could get a paycheck. all of those kids who are in basic training the day after graduation terrified of being sent to another country.

my father was in the military, as was my grandfather...i guess it kinda runs in our family. though they didn't make it a career, just felt it was something they should do. i don't know much about my grandfather and his experiences, God rest his soul, but i have talked with my dad a bit. he served in Vietnam.

my heart aches for those veterans. not because i agree with, or even understand anything about that war...but because of the way our country treated them. when my father returned from the war and his time was up, he attempted college. i choose to leave names out because it is a different time and there is no need to know. the first college he attended froze him out. he was ignored on campus, during class and deliberately made to feel as though he didn't belong because he had served in the military. i don't think he lasted two semesters. and bless his heart for having the desire to try again! he began at another school not too far away and found a home there.

i know people oppose war, i understand people don't support whatever reasons they are aware of or want to take a stand and show our President why he's wrong...but why does it need to be taken out on the soldiers? at this point there is no draft, men and women are choosing to join the military and are being sent over-seas to do whatever it is they are told. some may support these reasons, but some might not. why not support them all just in case? why not let them know that there are people thinking about them and praying for them and hoping they come home safe, that they come home soon?

i participate in a program called AdoptAPlatoon. it matches volunteers with soldiers who wish to receive mail, packages...anything to keep their spirits up and remind them that they are not forgotten. to remind them that they are loved. i'm so proud to be a part of that group. i love what they do and how hard they work to make sure every soldier who wants to be matched up is matched up. i received my first soldier last fall and he returned to the states at Christmas, yay! i began writing to my second in February, i believe, and then received an email pleading for more volunteers. there aren't enough people willing to write to soldiers. you know this broke my heart...i began writing my second soldier at the beginning of May.

last week i received an email pleading for still more volunteers...i broke down. how awful to be away from your family, friends and anything familiar for who knows how long without anyone to write and say hello. someone to give you a break from your day to day life and tell you about what's going on in theirs. i offered to write to two more...

i don't support war, i don't agree with our military being involved in other countries and their affairs, but i also don't have any idea what is really going on over there. all i know is there are men and women who have been deployed to places all over the world and they need to know they are not forgotten.

i don't know if any of this makes any sense...i didn't intend to write so much or fly off on a tangent, i am just trying to stay awake while i wait for my sheets to dry.

i love my brother, seth and thomas, and hope you all will join me in praying for them over the next few months. we all need someone to think about us and keep us close to their heart.

growing through His love...

yum yum

2006-05-23T17:06:00.000-05:00

choices

2006-05-20T00:32:00.000-05:00

sometimes we are forced to choose pain for a loved one or pain for ourselves...wouldn't this seem like an easy decision? for those who have felt the pain of letting a loved one go, you know it's not.

brandy will be forever in our hearts.

missing home

2006-05-18T15:11:00.000-05:00

Well, it's Thursday night around 10pm (that would make it around 4pm on the east coast of the US)and I'm packing everything up to head home...well, I'm typing right now and then am going to finish packing.

It's been a great trip. We traveled to a lot of places and saw a lot of things, but I'm ready to come home.

After I get home and things get back to normal, I will post some of the hundreds of pictures from our trip and tell you more about it. I will also finish telling you about our Sunday in Martinsville at some point.

I've missed you all terribly and can't wait for some good hugs...I'm starving!!!

growing through His love...

touching hearts

2006-05-09T14:31:00.000-05:00

It's taken me two days to find a few minutes to sit down and get these thoughts out of my head so here goes...

This past weekend Sarah, Paula, Wayne, Booth and I went to Martinsville, VA to do their music Sunday (I think that's what Wayne called it). We drove up Saturday evening and met the corps officers and their family for dinner, what an amazing group. After dinner (best baked spaghetti I've had in awhile!) we drove up a mountain...or at least that's what it felt like...and had some fellowship time at their home. Let me tell you, Martinsville may be a tiny town with nothing but a Walmart and ' ollyw od' (hollywood) sign, but they sure do know how to treat their officers! What an amazing house!

Sunday...where do I begin? Our group had been asked to handle Sunday School as well as the Worship Service so we got to the corps and began setting things up. It was incredible how all of our individual projects worked together so well...their songs, Sarah's testimini, my Sunday school activity and Wayne's scripture verses. This weekend was nothing less than a gift from God.

Sunday school began, everyone was combined into one group and we met in the chapel. Sarah did some really fun bible drills, songs were sung and then I did my activity. Everyone received a white tube sock and a marker and were told to write a loving thought about a person on his/her "cast". I let them share the love for about 10 minutes before I finally had to settle them down so we could continue with the lesson, I think they could have spent all day lifting each other up!

After Sunday school we took a short break to regroup.

When worship began you could already sense it was going to be an amazing day...people were being moved with such force you could see it happening. Emotions were running high, not with crazy hysterical crying; but joyful, thank the Lord for finally breaking through this funk that surrounds me crying! It was a blessing to witness someone who had been afraid to worship because of battles she was, and still is, fighting deep in her soul break free and share it with those around so we could all rejoice for her renewed strength.

Then, I gave my testimony. Talk about being scared...scared isn't the word for what I felt. I didn't sleep well on Saturday night, I was worried about telling a group of people I didn't know about some pretty intense things. It was going to be the first time I had shared my testimony, completely, with anyone. Pretty much everyone I know is aware of bits and pieces...but no one has ever been told everything, beginning to end.

So I'm worried about telling these intimate things with strangers, not only because I would be opening myself up, but because I was afraid of how they would react. Would they find my story bogus? Poor little girl who had it so bad...while others are fighting to keep a roof over their head...I couldn't imagine what they would think of me.

When they were done singing and Sarah handed me the microphone, I could hardly stand I was so numb. My heart was beating so loud I thought my eardrums would explode. I walked over in front of the podium and sat down on the steps, and that's where I stayed the entire time. The devil tried to scare me out of telling these people what I had been through (and believe me, I was about two steps from telling Wayne I couldn't do it) but God pushed me through.

Not only did he push me through the fear but he spoke through me. I have never talked so freely in front of a group of strangers, especially about an emotional subject...I think they could understand me the entire time!!! I cried through the entire thing, but not the blubbering, can't catch my breath crying I typically do, just tears streaming down my cheeks.

So we spoke, God and I. Then I read the verses Wayne had requested and went back to my seat.

more to come

growing through His love...

exposed

2006-05-03T16:21:00.000-05:00

I am exposed.

Nothing is protected.

I will hold nothing back.

Nothing is my own.

growing through His love...

manic monday

2006-05-01T18:40:00.000-05:00

So I just got back from getting the most incredible massage, ever! I forgot how much I enjoy people rubbing on me!!! (all you dirty people: get it out of the gutter!) I had the same guy, George, as the first time Sarah and I went to this place (if you want to know you will have to contact me and complete the rituals set forth by the chosen ones because it is the best kept secret in Charlotte!). So, George, incredible...talented...skilled in his trade...gift from God? I think he might be my soulmate...I really want to ask him to move in with me so he can do that every night before I go to bed. (do you get the idea of how much I love this guy!!!???) I went in grumpy and came out feeling refreshed and happy...and disappointed (because it was over!) Ok, I'm going to stop talking about George...for now.

This weekend was really fun. Sarah and I drove up to Virginia to see Anna and Justin in a play, How to Succeed in Business, and it was awesome! I love watching the two of them act...such talent! It was also an exhausting weekend because we didn't get up there until 3am Saturday morning, slept until 1 or so, got home from the show and stayed up until about...yep, 3am, got up at 5:30am Sunday and drove to the Renaissance Charlotte for an incredibly crowded bridal expo. Phew! Makes me tired just typing about it. It was good, though. I think Sarah got some good thoughts out of the expo, and she was able to enter a bunch of drawings (cross your fingers!). Christina and Nichole came over for girls night, which should become a Sunday night tradition...I'm gonna have to run it by the girls. We ate Chili's and watched Grey's Anatomy (best show ever!) I finally went to bed around midnight...only to be called at 2 in the morning by Cory (more about him later). So, after a really great (but really long) conversation, it was yet again 5am and I was going back to sleep...this day will never end.

Monday, what is there to say about Monday other than it's the worst day of the week. I have a feeling this week is going to be pretty eventful...it always seems to be when my Mondays are full of crazy things. The day started off with a text message from Ryan...hmmm. So we wrote back and forth a bit, just talking about random things, and then he's all: you know, you can call me sometime if you want to BS or something. And I said to myself...this is not ok, he has a girlfriend (yep, it's been confirmed...even jerks get dates before me!) and I remember when this ex of his called him all the time, it didn't make me feel good. I told him that and he was basically like: it's ok, you can call. So I told him I was always here if he wanted or needed to talk, but that I am struggling too much right now to BS with him...he never wrote back.

Other exciting news: I am spending Fourth of July weekend with a really old friend (no, he is not really old, we've just known each other for like 10 years) I am soooo excited (enter Cory). When I was a freshman in high school my brother was a senior. He participated in a local youth group and convinced me to go with him...the start to our great relationship. Well, there weren't too many kids my age that participated in this group, so I spent most of my time hanging out with Shawn and all his friends. I had like 8 big brothers during high school...fun fun fun. Well, Cory was one of them. I'm sure you can guess where this story is going...

So, Cory and I talked a lot after I graduated and went to school, hung out when we were both in town, it was great. Then we both just stopped putting the effort into it. He moved to Texas with his parents and I met Ryan. We haven't seen or spoken in about six years. That is incredible...but, we hooked back up on myspace and have been talking for the past week or two and it's been really great. He invited me down for Fourth of July weekend and I couldn't be more excited. It's going to be a bit awkward at first, I was like a kid sister to him and all their friends...they all antagonized me like crazy! So now I'm an adult, or am old enough to be considered one, and it's weird. I'm so nervous. I've changed a lot since we last saw each other.

One of the great things about Cory is how real he is...we talked for three hours last night (or this morning, whatever) and found out stuff that neither one of us had any idea of. Turns out we have more in common than either of us thought...weird. I'm excited to see his mom again, he told me she was pretty excited when he told her I was coming. It's cute. It's nice to know he is still grounded in his faith...even though he might be struggling with some issues, it is always there.

Who knows what that weekend is going to be like, I'm going to be there for awhile. I get in on Friday night and come back on Wednesday morning...wow, that's a long time. But, he's got all kinds of stuff planned so I know it's going to go by way too quick. Enough about this...I'll update as interesting stuff comes up.

The countdown is coming to an end...we're down to 7 days till Europe. Yay!!!

growing through His love...

why...

2006-04-27T23:03:00.000-05:00

tonight is one of those nights. one of those nights where i sit here and wonder why...why do i keep going back? why can't i move forward and move away from him. something in me stays in the past, holding on to a relationship i'm not meant to have. something i shouldn't have because it was bad...yet i can't seem to forget it. and i'm not sure if i want to.

i miss it. i miss the excitement of waiting to see him, the happiness when we first got together, dreaming about the future, wondering where our lives would take us...

the past few weeks, since i was sucked into the myspace craze (or sucked into 'my space', as i like to call it), i've been thinking a lot about why things happen the way they do. why some people can remain in contact with the majority of people they grew up with, developing those lifetime friendships where you have pictures of going to kindergarten together or dressing up for a school play; and then others travel through their lives making friends and leaving them as they move on.

i have re-connected with people who knew me in elementary school when i was a weird new student who had just moved from some crazy place they had never heard of, i found people who went through middle school and high school with me, we claimed to be best friends forever...and then came college. i look back and hate that our friendship couldn't withstand a little distance...and it wasn't even that much! we went home on every break, could take weekend trips if we wanted, but we didn't. we didn't feel the other was worth the effort...

what is it about being apart that makes some of us slowly work a person out of our life? after i graduated and moved down here i noticed things changing between us...i was developing this new life that he wasn't involved in, at least not on a consistent basis. he was still at school, moving forward with the friendships we had there. and then when he graduated and moved to a different place...it's almost as if we were destined to fail. not only was my 'separate life' continuing to grow, but he was starting one of his own. these lives demanded so much of our time and attention that we had little to no energy to work on staying connected...well, maybe he didn't.

after he moved, i put my life on hold and tried my hardest to pry my way into his...it almost worked. i was almost in...wonder what i did wrong. did i get too cocky and loosen my grip? who knows...it's all for the best, right?

growing through His love...

a celebration of life

2006-04-26T15:44:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, Christina.

layout

2006-04-25T11:13:00.000-05:00

yesterday I decided it was time to search for a new layout. it took forever!!! I found this one but it had a crazy outerspace picture that I couldn't deal with...so I changed it (which makes me super proud of myself!!!) curious about everyone's thoughts...

as for the funk...I'm not really in a typing mood so I will update everyone later, just know that I am doing better.

growing through His love

Service

2006-04-21T11:57:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting at our front desk right now, giving the receptionist a break for lunch. I had an encounter with a woman a few minutes ago and was going to vent about our clients and their lack of appreciation for all that our agency does for them...but I've changed my mind. If I'm ever going to be released from this funk I am in, I'm going to have to choose my moods and how I deal with situations. Step one is realizing you have a problem...step two is figuring out what it is.

Well, it's now 13 hours after I began writing this entry and I'm up at CWJ with Sarah...surprise, surprise. After re-reading the beginning paragraph, I was amazed at where today went and how things can change.

After finishing a quick afternoon at work, Sarah and I drove home by way of Archdale and, after crazy slow traffic, found ourselves at Value Village (one of our favorite thrift stores)...coincidence or divine intervention? We spent a couple of hours combing the racks and shelves and both left with some great finds...Sarah now has an overload of crafts waiting to be done.

Our plans went from don't really need to hurry but we want to see Ainsley and Julie so let's not take too long, to why can't we get moving, how did it get to be 10pm and we're still packing? So we grabbed Harvey and hit the rode...what a drive. Harvey cracks me up. As annoying as he is, I love him and he is precious. At one point he was finally getting comfy in the back seat when I had to put the breaks on kinda quick...and he tumbled onto the floor. Sarah and I found this hilarious, especially when he would only put his back end and hind legs on the seat and the rest of him on the floor for fear of being thrown off again. We laughed for a good 10 minutes.

During the drive, Sarah was able to talk with Jeff and I was able to do some thinking...which is good and bad. Sometimes I wonder if I think too much, which makes me think about why I think too much...which turns into a never-ending cycle of thinking...but back to thinking during the drive up to Camp.

I thought a lot about the situation with the woman this afternoon and wondering if I could have handled it in a different way. Did I come across as rude or uninterested in the problems she was going through, or did I just seem indifferent or removed from the situation? Is this something that comes with working for a social service organization? Do you eventually become immune to the emotions of the clients you serve, seeing them as some sort of inconvenience rather than someone in need. Does their bad mood or unhappiness give me permission to be curt or treat them with little or no compassion? I don't think so.

I've been told that I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I'm pretty sure I've talked about how emotionally open I am...but does this put me at a disadvantage when trying to 'do the most good'? I seem to reach one extreme or the other when interacting with our clients; I am either weeping with them over their heartbreaking story about being raped and raising three children on your own, or I am frustrated and irritable with those who are grumpy or impatient. What makes their situation any less heartbreaking than the other persons? Just because someone went through a 'tragedy' doesn't make them any more in need than someone who didn't. I think every situation is a tragedy. When a family is unable to provide for themselves and must swallow their pride to ask someone for help...Especially strangers, strangers who get paid to "help" you. I wouldn't be in too good a mood, either. Some people working in social services are only around for a paycheck and have absolutely no compassion for anyone who comes in, 'tragedy' or not.

So I've been feeling pretty crummy about my inability to balance my feelings and show compassion to all of our clients, no matter how frustrating they are. I want to be able to 'fake it'. Though, a good friend told me I wouldn't be faking it...I would actually be acting like an adult, taking control of my feelings and being able to put them aside in order to interact with others in a way that my face isn't telling them how unhappy I am. Man, I hope this isn't something a lot of people notice about me...I hope some of my friends are oblivious to my grumpy moods or horrible facial expressions. What a habit to break.

I'm blessed, though. I have an incredible friend who is not only able to admit and discuss things about herself that she doesn't find completely desirable, but she desires to improve those things...and to help me improve mine. We've made a pact, a pact? Well, I guess some sort of arrangement that will help us see when we are acting in a counter-productive way. We will do our best to point it out in the heat of the moment, but won't if we're around others so as not to embarrass one another. If it works, it will be a level of accountability I've never experienced before. Not only will she be calling out my horrible behavior, but she will be expecting me to correct it. I'm terrified of finding out how often I do these things and what it makes her think while I'm doing them.

Ok, I think I'm starting to ramble, but at 3am I guess that's to be expected. I just want to say that I'm blessed to have people in my life who love me despite all my horrible qualities and foul moods and bad hairdays...this latest funk has been the worst. With the grace of God and the support of loved ones...this funk, too, shall pass.

growing through His love...

dirty

2006-04-17T22:11:00.000-05:00

Why do I keep going back to the dirt in my life (as a good friend would call it). I don't think anyone is intentionally looking at me, investigating my past, but I could be wrong. It seems that every situation I am in ends up reflecting something that has occurred in my past, lately it seems to be a combination of things. Is it some twisted way of teaching me a lesson? I think so. I think it could be someone reaching up and trying to warp my thoughts to doubt the good in my heart...I wish I could say I'm strong enough to resist but I'm not sure I've reached that point yet.

Why is it that I have to pay someone to listen to the dirt of my past...I have to pay them not to judge me, not to look down on me or laugh at me or turn away from me. I am required to tell possible employers or lenders all the mistakes I have made, I actually have to give them names and phone numbers of people they can call who would be more than willing to honestly divulge my personal information.

Don't take this the wrong way, I don't have anything to hide. I'm more than willing to tell most anyone about my sins, my dirt, the mud that is stuck to my past while I desperately try to wash it away. The problem is, I think most everyone would turn from me...laugh at me, look down on me.

I interview people once a year. Once a year for a six month position that could possibly be the most important job having the most impact on our community they will ever hold. I can't say I go into this with an unbiased mind because I don't. I have previous staff these applicants are fighting against...fighting to look as good to me as they did. The thing is, I'm not looking for their past, I'm looking for their future. I'm trying to find out where they are going in life and what they want to do. What impact they want to have. Do they slide by while others do the majority of the work or do they offer to stay extra hours, even if they can't be on the clock. If someone were to apply who is a convicted felon, or has some other past that might be less than desirable, sure I would look at them different, but it would be one of two ways: either with respect for their courage to disclose this information and let me into their life; or with disappointment because I found something out through contacting their previous employers.

We should be lifting each other up and encouraging others to be honest rather than condemning each other for the mistakes we have made. It's not where we come from so much as where we are going. Whether we take ownership in what we have done and move forward with those things in our mind, constantly conscious of mistakes that could be made; or we hide our dirt, if we sweep it under the rug.

In a perfect world honesty about our sins would be rewarded with love and encouragement to do it right the next time...until that day, I concede to my weekly bill for support and encouragement that comes free of judgment.

Do not judge, and you will never be mistaken - Jean Jacques Rousseau

growing through His love...

eyes

2006-04-12T10:05:00.000-05:00

What do people see when they look at me? Do they see the confident, mature, intelligent, optimist I am trying to be or the insecure, childish, scared person I really am. Do I let people become involved in my life so that they know me for me, or stop them at the door, preventing them from rejecting me. Rejecting me once they see how sad, lonely and discouraged I can be.

Eyes are the windows to the soul. What do my eyes show. Are they mysterious, intense and deep...or are they shallow and full of pain. Could they be a mirror reflecting the light and creating the greens and browns that speckle my eyes while hiding what's in my soul...

I want to be seen...completely. I want to be vulnerable and allow people to love me based on who I am, not the idea of who I want to be. I need to be seen for who I am so that I can become who I am meant to be...the better daughter, better sister, better friend, better employee, better supervisor and, most importantly, better follower of God.

I trust Him...trust Him to see into my soul and love me anyway. To see my deep fears and dark realities, and open His arms anyway. To see my sadness and loneliness and embrace me as His child. I trust Him to fill the holes in my soul...to complete me.

Open my eyes, Lord, and let me see Jesus.
Open my eyes, Lord, and let me be seen.

The next step is trusting others.

growing through His love...

screwed up

2006-04-11T16:09:00.000-05:00

I think I'm going to be sick. This world is so screwed up. What makes us think we can decide who should be here and who shouldn't...what makes any one of us better than the other. What kind of God lets things like the Holocaust happen, things like what is going on in Darfur. Situations where someone thinks they can wipe out an entire group of people...after forcing them to endure hours upon hours of rape, beatings, torture, starvation and who knows what else. Hearing about this makes me physically ill, hopeless, have a sense of helplessness...

I know it's not right to question our God about this...but why. WHY!!!!???? What could the lesson for these people possibly be. What is the purpose of allowing innocent people to suffer in these horrific ways. Who is their savior? Who will come to their rescue? Are they past the point of rescue? With the memories they would have from this hellish part of their life...would it be better for them to leave this world and move on to their eternity?

During high school I toured the Holocaust museum with my Aunt and Uncle. When you begin the tour, which is self guided, you are given a booklet that is a real life story of a person who experienced this disgusting piece of history and each page corresponds with the different floors of the museum...I want to say there were 4 or 5 floors. Before we started, my Uncle grabbed my booklet from my hands and flipped through it quick...

Traveling through those floors and seeing tiny pieces of what those people went through...I don't think I'll ever be the same again. There was one floor that I will never forget, never. Shoes, this room was filled with nothing but shoes...actual shoes that hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people walked in. They were the shoes that walked these people to their torture, to their hell, to their death, to their...relief? I had nightmares for a month.

It wasn't until a couple of years later that my Uncle told me why he looked through my booklet...it seems that not everyone was as lucky as my girl, not all the stories ended in survival. How incredible that my Uncle thought enough to make sure my story had a "happy" ending...I wish he hadn't. Why should I have been spared the pain of seeing how some of these lived ended...what did I learn through this protection, nothing. It only served to reinforce my naive thinking that everything has a happy ending...ignorance is bliss.

What can I do? What can I do to help these people who spend everyday fighting for their lives, fighting to stay alive and keep their family together and safe, fight to keep strangers from raping their women and beating their men...all of this from their military and government, the people who are meant to protect us from those situations.

I'm helpless, hopeless and devastated.

growing through His love...and praying for those who are not as fortunate as me.

His beauty

2006-04-07T09:10:00.001-05:00

"Jesus said: I am the Light of the world; he who comes with Me will not be walking in the dark but will have the light of life." John 8:12

Some incredible pictures to help us all appreciate the beauty that is Him.
I found these on a website called edenpics.com. I hope you get a minute to check it out, each picture has a verse along with it.

growing through His love...

pebbles

2006-04-06T07:09:00.000-05:00

when I was growing up...I wanted to be Pebbles

lift each other up now

2006-04-05T09:31:00.000-05:00

I was listening to Jewel this morning on the way to work. Well, I'm listening to her now, too. One of my favorite songs is called 'Sensitive'. Part of the song says 'please be careful with me, I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way'...so true! She goes on, 'I have this theory that if we're told we're bad then that's the only idea we'll ever have. Maybe, if we are surrounded in beauty, someday we will become what we see...we are everyday Angels, be careful with me cause i'd like to stay that way.'

We are everyday Angels and I definitely want to stay that way. I'm emotional and cry too easily. I throw myself into friendships, relationships, family, work and whatever else I might do with my heart in one hand and my feelings in the other. I may get disappointed sometimes or feel things should be different than they are...but that's part of who I am. I'm trying to take some control over my feelings so I am not constantly hurting and sad...but my ability to love passionately and openly is something I can stand up right now and say I love that about myself...I'm not sure if there would be much to follow.

I'd like to be better about telling others how I see them and why I love them. I want to surround us all in beauty. I do think we become what we see and, thank the Lord for helping me be an optimist and just plain naive, I have struggled hard to fight past my surroundings and become a better person...no one should have to work so hard. We should surround each other in love and happiness and support. Wow, sounds like some alternate universe. I know things can't be happy all the time, but most of the time it can be good...right?

No matter what we do, we should tell people we love them and what makes them special, constantly. Don't wait for the "right time"...the right time is now. There may not be a tomorrow.

'No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted' -Aesop

growing through His love

mother theresa quote

2006-03-31T14:28:00.000-06:00

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Theresa

Growing through His love...

soldier

2006-03-30T15:46:00.000-06:00

well, I'm being given a new soldier. just my luck he is married and they don't allow single people to correspond with married people. it makes sense because I wouldn't want some girl sending my guy packages...it just sucks. I'm worried that he won't get re-assigned. well, here's hoping my new soldier is sent soon so I can start sending him stuff...man, I was just getting to the point where I had ideas on what to send him.

better

2006-03-30T09:40:00.000-06:00

I'm better today. Not perfect, but better.

growing through His love

unanswered

2006-03-29T22:46:00.000-06:00

I am praying for only one set of footprints, that he is carrying me through this day.

Alison Krauss-you say it best... is playing on my computer. It's one of my favorite songs, but it usually brings back unhappy memories. It brings thoughts of Ryan and our relationship...it was going to be our wedding song.

Lately I listen to this song and think of other things. I still see it being played at my wedding...but now I look at it in a different way. I think of Him when I hear these words and I know that at my wedding this song will be a small way for my husband and I to lift our hearts and share our love with Him, blending three hearts to one.

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don't say a thing

Why can't I hear...

Today I give up trying to understand why things happen the way they do...I succumb to His desire and will no longer fight for what I want, what I want, I want, want want want. Typing it so many times kinda takes away its meaning. It now just looks kinda funny.

What does it mean to want? Why are we able to want things and think they are so right when they aren't...or when they can't be right now. When do you get hit with that magical feeling and know that it's no longer a want, but now it's a need. I have an awful time distinguishing between want and need. I mean, I really need a sweater because it gets chilly sometimes...but I want it in every color!

What is the lesson behind something beautiful and wonderful and...right...being a want and not a need. Bringing something amazing into your life, just to take it away.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?????!!!!!!

Why can't I pull up out of this funk and put things on the right track. Why am I always so sad. Why can I reach out and touch something wonderful and still not quite reach it. Why...

Struggling...growing through His love

tuesday

2006-03-28T15:54:00.000-06:00

I have an awful headache. It's been there all day, behind my right eye, behind my ear, the back of my head...I hate headaches.

I had dinner with some friends last night. Hadn't seen them in awhile...it was good. It's so great to know people that you're comfortable talking to. To have friends who are able to hold conversations about more than the latest gossip...it's been awhile since I've been surrounded by those people, rather than having them off to the side.

The next few months are crazy...I think I spend one weekend with nothing to do. Maybe I'll paint.

The beginning of May is our trip to Martinsville. I found out how I will be contributing to this trip...teaching. Teaching about a passage in the bible and teaching about me. Two things I don't know much about.

I'm kind of looking forward to it. I'm hoping that my desire to avoid embarrassment will push me to spend time finding a passage that speaks to me rather than is obvious, and that I will sit down and look at the events that led up to the day I was Saved...the day I accepted...the day I knelt down and was delivered to Him.

Anyway, during my research today I found this prayer that spoke to my heart...isn't it crazy how those things always seem to come when you are completely open to receive them?

While I prayed this I thought of everyone I know well, everyone who has briefly entered into my life, everyone who has hurt me and everyone I am trying to forgive. Know that you were in my heart while I prayed this and that I love you.

Dear Heavenly Father, I do appreciate You, and I want my life to glorify you. Fill me today with Your Holy Spirit so that I might bring encouraging words to others. Father, I have been down at times in my life and I am so grateful for my brothers and sisters in the Lord who came to me with faith and encouragement. They lifted me up, and today I want to lift them up. You know each of them and exactly what they are going through at this time. Bless them and encourage them and meet their needs even as You used them to meet my needs in the trying times of my life. May we all be good witnesses for You and never lose our saltiness. Lord, shine on us that we may reflect Your glory. I ask this in the precious name of Jesus. Amen.

Growing through His love...

new camera

2006-03-27T09:11:00.000-06:00

So I broke down and bought a camera this weekend...

regrets

2006-03-22T20:47:00.000-06:00

Lord, help me overcome my self-destructive behavior. I can't take it anymore.

Growing through His love...

Friends

2006-03-21T12:10:00.000-06:00

Good friends are hard to find...

I am so blessed.

Fun times in South Carolina

2006-03-20T23:05:00.000-06:00

This past weekend was Youth Councils for North & South Carolina. Sarah was participating in some of the programs, so I tagged along...and let's face it, I'm still a kid at heart!

The speaker was incredible! He is an old football star and had a heart wrenching testimony. One minute he had me in tears and then moved right in to making me laugh...it takes a passionate speaker to have that effect on a room full of teenagers.

Among other performers was a group called 13th Floor and the band Entertaining Angels. Both were also great and only added to the intensity of the weekend.

It was amazing being a witness to the spirit moving in those around me. Watching emotion overcome them to the point where they can not hold themselves up, they bow down to the relationship that is coming alive in them. Some were new believers, while others were being led out of the darkness of struggle...I was one who was led.

It's incredible the amount of emotion I felt this weekend. I found myself overcome with something...I'm not sure if it was grief, anger or maybe even love. During parts of the message I would be crying, which is nothing new, but I wasn't thinking about myself or struggles I am faced with, I was focused on my friends. Their names kept repeating in my mind...almost like someone was chanting.

I've felt for others before, my heart has known their hurt, but never with this intensity. Is this something that will continue to happen or was it that I was emotionally and spiritually open to hearing Him this weekend? I'm not really sure how to handle it or where to go with it. I'm trying to let go of the questions and trust that whatever it was, He will make it known to me in time.

Always growing through His love...and others

what would you do...

2006-03-17T11:07:00.000-06:00

One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black & carrying guns.

One of the men proclaimed, "Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are."

The choir fled.

The deacons fled.

Most of the congregation fled.

Out of the 2,000 there only remained 20.

What would you do?

The man who had spoken took off his hood, he then looked at the preacher and said, "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites." And the two men turned and walked out.

another weekend gone

2006-03-12T15:37:00.000-06:00

It's Sunday, again. Why is it that Monday through Friday drag on while Saturday and Sunday are gone in an instant? We should look into having a four day work week with three day weekends...I am convinced this will improve not only productivity in the workplace but also the attitude of employees. When I grow up and start my own business, that's what I'm going to do: three day work weeks and four day weekends...

Although short, this weekend was fun and productive. Anna came down and talked wedding with Sarah. The energy those two created was incredible. Ideas are turning into plans and activities are being scheduled...their excitement is contagious! Anna also got creative about the wedding shower coming up...can't say too much for fear of Sarah reading this but I can tell you it's going to be a fun filled weekend!!!

I went to church this morning. To some this may seem a silly thing to write about, but for me it's kind of a special occasion. I'm not much for organized worship...I'd rather sit around in a group discussing topics (the key word being discussing). I don't enjoy someone standing in front of an audience preaching at me...unless I'm engaged in a discussion, my ADD kicks in and I'm gone!

So, I've been going to church sporadically for the past year or so, but there's always been a person to go with or take. Either Sarah's been here and said she was going so I tagged along, or Nichole would spend the night and I'd have to take her. Today was different...today I woke up, got dressed and went all by myself. It was a good feeling...empowering...so I tackled Walmart! NEVER again.

Cell group was also an empowering experience. It was one of those nights that a discussion was bound to happen, and it was a good one. I feel as though a weight has been lifted and I can begin to move forward...leaving guilt and the past behind.

I learned that I might hear God after all, people aren't quite what they seem to be and we all have a past we're not proud of. How incredible to find that out and be able to connect with people on a deeper level, while learning more about yourself in the process.

God has an amazing way of teaching you about yourself...I hope I never lose the desire to learn and continue to grow through His love.

Hump Day!

2006-03-08T16:49:00.000-06:00

Well, today was hump day...can't believe the week is half over. It was a beautiful day, the weather forecast says it's going to keep getting better. I wonder what happened to winter? Not that I miss it, it just feels weird that I've only worn my winter coat once.

Today was a good day. I think I'm starting to work through some of these yucky thoughts and moving forward, which is always the best direction to go. I looked back over my posts and realized that this thing is very depressing! I would have stopped reading a long time ago! Well, for those who are still interested in walking through my world...I'm going to do better!

Ok, my brother is in the army (in case anyone didn't know) and is on six month rotations between Fayetteville, NC and Iraq/Afghanistan/wherever they feel like sending him. He is a newlywed (yay!) and has a loving family to email and send packages to him. So last fall, I decided to Adopt a Soldier. My first soldier came home right after Christmas. I got one carepackage over to him and some letters. Well, I'm going to do better with John. He is going to get at least one letter a week and hopefully I will be able to send him a couple care packages (the most important thing is that I write him).

It is crazy trying to write a letter to someone you have never met, even crazier because they tell us to continue writing and don't wait for a return letter. So this poor guy is going to get letter after letter of me updating him on my life and what's going on. I sent the first one out today, it was basically my life up until starting work with the Army (that's The Salvation Army).

I have a few reasons for telling you all this...the first is WOW! my life has been pretty boring! How am I going to write a Best Selling Autobiography with what's happened so far??? That's task number one, make life more interesting. Anyone interested in joining this effort...don't hesitate to call. Second, if you have any ideas/suggestions for topics to write John about, I will use them all! Not only topics to talk about, but suggestions on things he might like to get. There are two problems trying to send a package to someone you don't know; the first is that I'm not a boy so I don't even know what most boys enjoy getting, and the second is that I've never been overseas in the military so I have no idea what luxuries they are missing. Shawn's no help. He is...well, let's just say taken care of. If you want to know it will have to be a discussion in person (can't leave a paper trail or risk our phones being tapped!)

Well, that's about it. I just need suggestions and anything will help...I'm lost!

One last thing...if everyone could keep Clif and his family in your hearts and prayers. He has a two year old boy, CJ, who is in the hospital (for like the 5th time) with a kidney problem, he is not responding to the medication and they are going to do a biopsy on his kidney. He is a precious boy and Clif is a wonderful person (so is CJ's mom). So, just keep their family close to you. Together we can find this boy some relief!

Always growing through love...sheri

Accountability

2006-03-06T11:47:00.000-06:00

Forgiveness...what an awesome concept. Somebody does something wrong, they apologize and are forgiven.

I am trying to pull myself up out of a shameful past. Trying to make myself a better person who is deserving of grace and love, but it's hard. It's hard to ask for forgiveness when you can't bring yourself to say what you've done. Right now I'm feeling the need to tell someone, tell them everything I've done so they can look at me and say - "Hey, that wasn't a very good choice to make. You were wrong in that decision. I now know what you are capable of and am going to help you fight those desires. I'm going to hold you accountable for your actions. We will do this together."

Is this a bad decision? I'm a drowning Christian, wouldn't I be pulling this person into the water and drowning them with me?

I'm terrified of what this person will think of me when they know it all. Can there be unconditional love from anyone other than God? Even his love baffles me...why? Why would he want to love people who have hurt and disobeyed? I don't question his resources or ability to love...just his thought process behind it.

I worry that this makes my situation worse...who am I to question God. That one sentence has probably destined me for hell. But, if I see what I've done as wrong and apologize...I'm forgiven and all is well. Doesn't this make your head hurt!!!???

What do you do when you're stuck in between two places, one you know is wrong and are fighting against; the other constant struggle and love. What do you do when you're there looking back, then looking forward...seeing a place you long to be and people who inspire you to be good but the only way you feel worthy is by pulling someone into the water with you. How could I ask forgiveness for this...who would forgive me?

little reminders

2006-02-28T09:03:00.000-06:00

I'm amazed at how some people can spend so much time together and not grow tired of each other and our faults. It's good to feel loved, not in-spite of or despite my faults...just plain loved. It's incredible that you can spend every day with some people and not acknowledge the qualities you love about them...and then the smallest thing and it's like meeting them for the first time all over again.

Tiny changes throughout our lives help us become who He wants us to be. My tiny change for today is to open my eyes and try to look at people as though we have just met, realizing my love for them all over again. Hoping these tiny changes help me live a better life for Him, for others and for myself.

Atlanta...again?

2006-02-20T22:48:00.000-06:00

I found myself in Atlanta this weekend. Didn't think I'd go down there again, at least not this soon. I noticed my driving abilities got worse the closer we got, I guess I was a bit nervous. I don't know why I worried about running into him, maybe some part of me wanted to.

While there I was blessed to be around three friends who have grown together into amazing adults. I was able to spend time with each one individually and learn a little about the personalities that come together to balance their trio in a way I've never known.

I met some wonderful girls who were able to welcome me into their lives...the first 60 seconds setting the tone of our new frienships (inappropriate as it may have been). We danced (well, kinda) to an awesome group who came together to make an incredible album.

Spent Saturday night bouncing from one topic to another and doing the electric slide. Experienced an incredible spiritual gathering in a coffee house on Sunday and sat around a bonfire till early in the morning.

All in all it was a fantastic (not really sure where I picked this word up, but it was used a lot this weekend) time. Felt a bit short, but weekends like that always do. One of the things I learned this weekend is that life happens all the time...the less you sleep, the more you experience. Some of the most intimate and painful things happen in the early morning hours...those are the ones worth staying up for.

On Valentine's Day my fortune cookie told me "a lifetime friend shall soon be made" (dirty minds just thought 'in bed' when they read that!)...only time will tell.

For my brother...

2006-02-16T08:53:00.000-06:00

Ben Stein's Last Column...
============================================
How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World?

As I begin to write this, I "slug" it, as we writers say, which means I put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is "eonlineFINAL," and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.

It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and the world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, while better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie. But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again.

Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.

How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a "star" we mean someone bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese girls do their nails.

They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq. He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world.

A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad. He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.

A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded ordnance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad.

The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.

We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.

I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton's is a big subject.

There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament...the policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; the kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards.

Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a real hero.

I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin...or Martin Mull or Fred Willard--or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them.

But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.

This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers in Iraq or the firefighters in New York. I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.

Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.
By Ben Stein

Thank you to all of those who have devoted their life to protecting ours: my brother, Shawn; Dave A.; Steve B.; Todd H.; the Weightman boys; and all those I don't know. Thank you to everyone who prays for their safety...God love them and bring them home.

A day for love

2006-02-15T11:35:00.000-06:00

True love does not come by finding the perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
-Jason Jordan

Hoping my imperfect person will find me...

Jesus Loves Even Me

2006-02-06T16:46:00.000-06:00

Todays devotional was one of those that made me stop and think, why? Why does Jesus love me when I go through life thinking others are less than me. When I make no real effort to love others as I want to be loved. When I think my sin is less than theirs. I condemn others for doing things that I'm beginning to realize I do...I look at myself and am saddened by the person I am on the inside (and the outside, but that's a whole other entry). I try so hard to be loving and forgiving and fair, but I'm not. I dislike people, I don't forget when someone has harmed me and I can't get over things when reconciliation attempts have been made. Why is that. What is so special about me that I can't forgive and forget. Why do I spend my energy being frustrated and angry at things I have no control over.

A friend once emailed me a poem called "Let it go" by T.D. Jakes. I posted it right above my office phone and read it several times a day. I highlighted areas that I need to focus on...for example, "If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...LET IT GO!" How often does something need to be read before it finally sinks in and becomes part of my life and who I am. I have a great life, loving parents, great friends and a wonderful job. I own my own house, have minimal debt and don't want for anything. I have nothing to be bitter or angry about.

I worry that my soul is being engulfed by some sort of pergutory...I'm not a truly horribly person, I don't kill people or steal, but I'm not a truly good person. I don't know where I fit in. I don't enjoy partying but when I am around those who inspire me to be better, I feel beneath them. I feel that I am going to taint their perfection with my horrible past. I want so much to be a better person and learn from those around me, learn how to be more like them...but I fear I'm lost.

Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.

a new beginning

2006-01-27T11:12:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was the beginning of a new me...a me free from anything that links me to my past. I am at a point where I can stop looking back and focus on the future and that gives me a feeling of peace.

I thought it would feel different. That I might be sad or even cry at the end of such an important part of my life, but I didn't. I actually had the best nights sleep in a long time, I slept the entire night. A gift from God.

My parents are coming in town tonight...I'm very excited. I love seeing them and having them around. My mom is staying for a whole week! She's going to attempt to teach me how to knit. It should be interesting, considering I will be useless with all the medication I will be taking. But it will be fun. The last time she tried teaching me was hysterical. My mom is right handed and I'm left handed so everything she taught me ended up being backward. Hard as I tried I just couldn't knit anything without it being inside out!

This weekend should be relaxing. We are going to do some things around the house and prepare the basement for whoever moves in. I think we might visit Waxhaw. Just kind of bum around, which is always fun. Hopefully I will get the stink from my brothers dogs out of the house before they get here...yuck!

Quote of the day: "You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you" -John Wooden

Expanding our knowledge

2006-01-17T14:49:00.000-06:00

I love the third Tuesday of the month because I get to spend my day with the Women's Auxiliary. Now, for those of you who are not familiar with The Salvation Army or might not know what a Women's Auxiliary is...let me explain. The Women's Auxiliary is a group of about 150 women from the community who volunteer their free time, of which some women have more than others, to help make The Salvation Army a better place (to learn more about Charlotte's Women's Auxiliary, please go to http://www.salvationarmycharlotte.org/WomensAuxiliary.html).

So, our WA meets the third Tuesday of every month, September through May. Since we are in the process of selling the Charlotte Area Command building, we have been holding our meetings at other locations. Today we were at the Adult Rehabilitation Center (ARC).

The ARC is an incredible facility...I am reminded of this every time I visit. I often lose sight of how blessed I am to be dealing with minor things such as unsightly weight gain or annoying facial blemishes when there are others who are struggling to overcome drug and alcohol addictions. The ARC is a facility that embodies The Salvation Army's mission to lead men into a proper relationship with God. Not only do they focus on spiritual development that needs to occur in order to become closer to God, but they realize the need to address the physical issues as well. Major Overton said today that you cannot speak to someone of God's love when his feet are hurting...it's true. I go off into another world if my hair tickles my face, what would I do if an addiction was taking over my mind?

I learned that every month, the last Wednesday of every month, is the night that sobriety is celebrated. The men receive a special dinner and then there is a ceremony. I am planning to attend this months celebration. These men need all the support they can get. Struggling through a program that is breaking down everything they have been conditioned to know as living, starting their life from square one and then being reintroduced into society as a "productive member". What does that mean, a "productive member of society"...another topic for another day.

Well, it's time to go home so I'm gonna run. Just wanted to share my excitement from the day and hopefully get some other people excited.

Grown up...

2006-01-13T15:17:00.000-06:00

It's a dreary day. It's cold and rainy and all I want to do is curl up and read a good book. I should probably go grocery shopping...I'll compromise and lay on the couch with two dogs and my roommate. My roommate...the woman who prompted my thoughts for this entry. Entry? I guess I look at this as some type of journal, though I should watch what I write (you never know who stalks you!!!). Back to my roomie...

What a woman. She is incredible and I love her. She went to visit her boyfriend this past weekend and came back...ENGAGED!!! We all knew it was going to happen but I'm not sure any of us expected it before he was down here. What a way to start the new year! Her ring, you might ask, what does it look like? It's beautiful! So simple, so sparkly...so her.

I had thoughts on how we are so young and it's weird that everyone around me is either engaged, married or expecting a baby...but it's not. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm entering a new phase in life and that phase seems to be adulthood. Who new it would ever happen.

I love my roomie and her fiance...may God continue to bless them.

Good bye, 2005...

2006-01-02T01:31:00.000-06:00

I just spent the past two and a half hours finishing a book that I've been reading. It's been a while since I've done that. It's been a while since I've done a lot of things, like not shower for four days. Pretty gross...but it gave me a sense of freedom that I haven't had in a while. For four whole days there were no feelings of being lazy, hogging space or being just plain boring. I slept, ate, cleaned and showered when I wanted. It was empowering! But back to this book...

It's called "The Summer I Dared" and a woman lives through this devastating accident and realizes she needs to make some changes and start living for herself. I've come to that sort of realization in the past year as well. It was one year ago today that my boyfriend of three and half years broke my heart after asking my father for my hand in marriage, us co-signing a new truck for him and moving my entire life to an apartment we were supposed to share (that I payed half of everything and didn't stay in more than one month on a 9 month lease!) I don't write this to have pity or sympathy, just setting the stage. I know that nothing happened to me that I didn't allow or enable.

So, one year ago today, January 2nd, I became an independent woman. I don't think many people thought I would come through the break up. I have to admit I have led a pretty pathetic life. There have been many times I thought things would be better off...anyway, not gonna finish that thought. The night I confronted him about the break up I tried to show how strong I could be and defiantly told him he would be back...and he has been.

I have spent the past year making changes in my life, some have been drastic and others have been subtle and often unnoticed. I am slowly working towards loving myself, something I haven't felt since...high school? I'm not sure if that's true. I know I liked myself a bit, but I'm not sure if I've ever truly loved myself...does anyone?

Over the past year I have made new friends, rekindled old relationships, lost some very important ones and some not so important ones. I have had a few flings, been stalked a bit, tried on-line dating and realized it's not for me. I've taken on new roles and let go of some old ones. Quit my job about a million times...in my head.

One of the things I'm most proud of is my limitation of alcohol. The realization that I don't enjoy the person I am, the things I do when I drink. I've noticed that the friends I used to drink with aren't so entertaining when I haven't been drinking. This may not sound like too much of a victory or revelation to some, but with a fear of alcoholism in my family...it's a giant leap for me.

I have started 2006 with a clear head, a fairly clear heart and the plans of a clean body...until my next vacation. I'm intrigued to see what changes this next year will bring.

Happy New Year!